A Very Icky Canvas - Season 3 Episode 7

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: 0 not because we don’t like Auntie Navarro (although we don’t) but because it’s like tattooing your grandmother. Yuck!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Daniel gives this a 10 simply for white trash bro with the tatts, plugs and goatee who NEVER GOT ANY FUCKING CAMERA TIME. Boo. There were several other sexy bros too, so we’ll give this a 7. Well done, casting. We’re going to let you out of the dog house with this track record you’re establishing.

He DID get the golden gate tattooed on him, so I'd guess he plays on our team, Daniel---Dave

Let’s all jump on the bus! Auntie Navarro’s tour bus, that is. Or one that resembles it somewhat. Or something. And then let’s drive around the city for inspiration for some reason.

Auntie’s word of the week? DEPTH *screeeeeammmm*

They got right to it this week, so let’s get right to it, ladies and gentlemen.

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So, upon entering the bus, Auntie Navarro literally said the following: “For this flash challenge you’re designing for a very ICKY canvas……..me.” Boom, folks. Boom

I assume Auntie's actual tour bus would have less FORMICA. 

He asks them to design something in the key of old school, displaying that they have some fucking idea of what the word “depth” means. In a perfect world it would mean that Auntie would have something on her…er…his skin that would look like a 3D object and people, preferably impressionable young ladies, would be grabbing at it hoping to put it in their purse and take it home, whatever it is.

He also wants everybody to make 2 designs…one for good luck and one for bad luck. He’s going to choose one design from two different designers and then they’ll have 90 minutes to do them AT THE SAME TIME TIME TIME time time time. (That’s supposed to be an echo)

a very icky canvas.

Snore. I think the producers of the show looked at her…um…him one day and said, “Bro, for being a rock star you have some god awful tattoos. What happened? Did Flea come at you with a machine while you were passed out on PCP? Anyway, we need to upgrade your tatt status pronto as the twitterati have been destroying both your art and your hair non-stop since this show debuted, and we know you’re not going to change your hair so…” Then everybody shuffled uncomfortably for a bit, hoping he would “get it”. He didn’t, so they spelled it out, and that’s how we got this silly flash challenge.

It was funny to watch people going, “OMG Auntie Navarro sportin’ my artwork! Do you know how many rock show hos would see that shit, bros?” High fives were certainly had all ‘round at the thought. On our end of the broadcast, however, the high fives were replaced with eye rolls.

"As you leave your mark on me, I, in turn, shall mark your souls as property of Yog-Sothoth."

Cousin It With a Face, formerly known as Uncle Fester With a Face on this blog until Dave pointed out to Daniel that Uncle Fester HAD a face and that he had been probably thinking of Cousin It, said something funny. He was like, “Whoa my tatt on the Auntie? That’d be a gnarly way to leave my mark!” (That was paraphrased). We were like, you could also just walk up to the Auntie and slap her across the face and that would definitely leave a mark too, bro. Anyway, Dave was right. Daniel has always had a terrible time with names, even fictional ones. He used to call his Mema, “Chester the Molester” and couldn’t understand why she always seemed so confused; he chalked it up to the onset of Alzheimers (which she never had by the way).

OK…so back to the Flash Challenge! Jersey Jimmy designed 20, count ‘em, 20 tattoos, while only tasked with 2. This is dumb Jersey Jimmy. Make 2 nice tattoos rather than 8 shitty tattoos. You suck more and more and more.

Joshua's canvas later dispels Jersey's bad vibrations via gesticular incantations..

Honestly, Jersey Jimmy and Mrs. Priss, Joshua, are to Ink Master what Coco Channel and Alyssa Edwards were to Ru Paul’s Drag Race last season…lame, drummed up drama between a couple’a drama queens who aren’t really all that great so they kick up dust to get the camera situated on their stupid faces.

Andre 3000’s rabbit/rabbit foot idea was gnarly and Daniel’s favorite, although somewhat sad. L Poor rabbit.

What’s up with Ta2 BB getting stuck on putting her face in every tattoo now? Her good luck flash design was of herself. Booooo! Her good luck tattoo caught the eye of the good Auntie, though, so kudos to her we guess. Yawn.

Ta2 BB's good luck design. A severed torso in a coffin is good luck?

Cousin It’s bad luck planchette (Daniel has no idea how to spell that) won over the Auntie, so under the gun she….er, he went. It was weird because the two artists are sitting there working on Auntie Navarro while everybody circled around them taunting and talking trash. What in the good, glorious, bonafide hell?

An eagle-eye got the brown-gnosed garden gnome his opportunity to mark up Auntie Bruja.

Meanwhile, back on the DeathStar...

Cousin It’s dumb face won overall. His total jackass side came out this episode, or it was always there but now that he actually did something notable we, blessed viewers, get to see it. Yawn x2.

That brings our bored asses to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Nikko Hurtado is the guest judge and though neither of us know who he is, and that doesn’t mean ANYTHING one way or the other, his work examples were quite beautiful and dude looks like he can make realism happen on yo’ skin at a shop near you, yo!

Photo realism is the name of the game this week, and also…landmarks. Yuck. Daniel thought if he was going to get any landmark tattoo it would be the sun coming up at Flex and tweakers scurrying into the bushes. Good times.

"Now's my chance to be evil."

"E V I L!"

(anxious)

"Evil."

Cousin It With a Face thought he was being all clever and crafty and, in the end, just made himself look dumb, dumb, DUMB.

LOL at Jimmy and his Grand Canyon tattoo…maybe we’ll take that back about Cousin It.

That Mount Rushmore tattoo? What in the holy fuck? “I want four faces in _____ hours, miracle worker Ta2 BB. Oh, and please kill yourself. Thanks.” These canvases REALLY need some pep talks about adjusting their expectations. “I want a full body suit in 2 hours please.” Give us, and the contestants, a goddamn break. Do you really want a shitty, shitty, shitty tattoo because you asked for the world? Well then I hope you get said shitty tattoo.

We could work on this canvas all week, every week.

Oh…also…WHY on God’s forsaken, hell-bent earth did Andre’s canvas not get any more camera time? That dude was fucking huge and hot as fuck and he appeared on the episode for exactly 1.7 seconds. Is there someone we can sue for this?

When Kyle put forward that he’s going through a foreclosure while on the show we both wanted to take him in our arms, kiss his forehead lightly, run our fingers through his hair, lay him down, fan him with palm fronds, feed him grapes, massage his li’l toes and tell him that everything would be alright. Poor dude. That blows. They should give him the win just for being such a KEUTI PI.

The two bridges….oh God were these bad…especially Mystery Bro’s (ES). It looked like…well…like something horrible, to be sure. A big black blob.

Ta2 BB’s 2 faces of Rushmore looked like an intentional joke.

"We see what you are doing to us, BB." 

So, in the end, one of the bridge bros, Team Handsome, won. Kyle’s coliseum was pretty cool for the time he was given. AND he threw Mrs. Priss a bone at the judging panel by acknowledging that Joshua’s ability to work with clients is admirable. Do we see a half-hot reality TV relationship forming before our very eyes? Hmmm. We’d be down to see them kiss.

Honestly, This tattoo isn't perfect. I guess it just rises above the rest. 

Framing this somehow would have helped a lot. 

Annnnnnnnd…Mystery Bro totally blew it with his shadowy-ass tattoo. I can’t say whether I’m sad to see him go or not because I always forgot he was there. E.S.? ES? Daniel’s a pedant and not knowing whether there should be periods after those initials or not is mad confusing, yo.

C.Y.L., E.S.

Alright folks, that wraps another episode of tatt bro drama. Sleep well and know that we touch ourselves when we think of you.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: E.S., for giving no excuses. 'Bout time someone didn't. Kudos.

Yay: Andre 3000's bad-luck bunny.

Nay: BB's bad-luck girl. I liked both of her designs, but didn't see the good/bad in them.

GAY: Jersey Jimmy's 20 roughs. None were finished enough to tattoo, nor were they any good.