This Is What It Sounds Like...When Bros Cry - Season 3 Episode 5

Human canvas heat index:

BATCH 1 (FLASH CHALLENGE) Both of us say 1.3. Freezing but the nature of the challenge didn’t lend itself to “pretty” or “sexy” very well.

BATCH 2 (ELEMINATION CHALLENGE) Dave says 3, Daniel says 7

Welcome back boyz and girlz! Let’s get right to the goddamn drama because the show sure did…as it always does. This week’s episode started off with the “winners” (those contestants who weren’t kicked off) coming back to the room post judging session and – cue that Price is Right trombone when somebody fucks something up – everybody is bummed that Mrs. Priss (James) “won”. Literally…everybody. That must be a weird feeling to be like, “Yay I won and OMG every single person’s face I can see is filled to the brim with disgust.” We can only guess as to what that feels like because we’ve never won anything in our lives…well Daniel hasn’t anyway, except for that time he won a free small French fry or apple pie (choose one) during that ever-recurring McDonalds Monopoly game deal.

What's up with that twitter handle? Is Brozzley a bottom?

Let’s start by saying that we’re both sad Brozzley Bear went home. What a sweetheart; but more on that later. What we need to say now is that Dave IMMEDIATELY called that Brozzley Bear was getting the looser’s edit. Why? Because they started the episode out giving him face time and a glimpse of personality, both new developments in the short story arc that was Brozzley Bear. Although we don’t watch a ton of television, we DO watch a few competitive reality shows regularly and the editing tricks are so common they’re basically vernacular at this point.

They (production team and Auntie Navarro) jumped right in to the action this episode with two wacko challenges, neither of which had any sort of tie-in that we can remember at this time…although we’ve got a serious hankerin’ for some Taco Bell.

Oh my Josh!

FLASH CHALLENGE!

Scars. Covering up scars. Daniel really dug this challenge because he’s got a bunch of scars on his shoulders and back that he wants to eventually get covered up with some artwork. Dave was fairly skeeved out over this challenge because he’s the visual thinker of the bunch and when he sees somebody with a scar that runs down their entire torso he says he can’t help but picture what they must have looked like splayed open on the operating table. Daniel’s brain shuts off before it goes there because he’s a non-imaginative, squeamish, fussy sissy.

You might see France but I see a rusty draw-bridge.

Anyway, on to the Flash Challenge. Since Mrs. Priss won last episode’s Elimination Challenge (which for some reason is sounding more and more like a race to take the largest dump) he got to choose which scar he wanted to work on. He chose one that didn’t even show up on camera…a tiny speck of a scar on some chicks shoulder. Honestly I’m calling phony. This girl just wanted to be on TV so, when interviewed, was just like, “Well, I’m scarred…on the inside, y’all.”

"Scars are just little kisses from the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young."

Something about the production of this episode was bugging the shit out of us. One good example of this was the way they “revealed” the scars. Whomever worked on the sound design for this episode really went a bit bonkers with this metal guitar lick that they kept inserting every time there was a blemish of the particularly gnarly variety. It got a bit ridiculous:

            Alice bumped her knee on a rock once *silence*

            Joe had a bed collapse on his ass *GHUUUNK-GHUN-GHUN-GHUUUNKKK*

            Susan got a boo boo playing tennis *crickets*

            Harold took a hammer and gouged his eyeball out with it *GHUUUNK-GHU-

GHU-GHUUUUUNKKKK*

Sally pricked her little toe with a needle when she was two *………………..*

It got to be rather obnoxious. I don’t want to fault the post production folks for trying something “new”, but it was annoying and scars really AREN’T Rock ‘n’ Roll. Scars CAN be sexy, but stabbing yourself in the nuts with a letter opener is actually the opposite of rockin’.

Wait, this scar is Rock 'n' Roll! Check out that crack pipe! 

Just kidding. It was really an asthma inhaler. 

 Another interesting note we noticed: Mrs. Priss got to choose which canvas he wanted to work on but the rest was random…the canvases just picked a skull and hoped for the best. The reason, however, was obvious: it would have been pretty shitty if everybody was like, “OH NO I DON’T WANT THAT UGLY DUDE WITH THE FUCKED UP STOMACH THING GOING ON YUCK GROSS EWWW!” Surprising display of humanity, production crew; we’re quite impressed. *clap* *clap* (probably more to do with it being just the flash challenge and not the elimination challenge---Dave)

Today’s word/concept/technique/skill is…um…oh yeah: Value. Dave wasn’t confused by this, of course. Daniel was both confused and oblivious but no surprise there.

A very pretty tattoo over a non-existent scar.

The scar tattoos came out pretty good. Mrs. Priss actually did a damn good job on his non-scarred client. Andre 3000 did a pit bull thing that got praise from everybody including the judges but neither of us could tell what the hell was so great about it. We’re chalking it up to the fact that his canvas had dark skin and it was just hard to really sort out on camera.

Brozzley Bear squealed with delight about not getting raked over the coals. We guess that when you come under the disappointed gaze of Everybody’s Disapproving Father, Chris Nuñez, not getting scolded is a prize in and of itself.

So the chick that all the judges want to fuck won the Flash Challenge. That’s right. Ta2 BB. Dave likes her. Daniel doesn’t…but can’t figure out why because she’s sweet. He’s most likely jealous that Everybody’s Disapproving Father, Chris Nuñez, wants to place his penis inside of Ta2 BB and he spend a lot of time each episode wishing he had the kind of equipment Daddy Nuñez would be interested in smashing. Tough luck Daniel!

Anyway, enough about the scar challenge. Banjo Kazooey is getting impatient! Let’s get on to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

C'mon, look at the camera! That's it, baby!

Hot guest judge alert!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome Chuey Quintanar to the sewing circle. Yowza.

Again, with the challenge being based on the technique of “Value”, the bros are tasked with creating a tattoo using ONLY black ink. So they can go from dark to light and use the skin as the “white” in the artwork.

Dave explained it to Daniel thusly: a tattoo artist will take black ink and add water to it in varying degrees to make it less dense, therefore allowing the artist to make a lighter black in the skin. By varying this mixture of water and black ink an artist can go from super-dark to super-light and every shade in between without ever having to use any white ink. Once an artist mixes white ink in with their black, they’re actually creating a third color: grey. This is probably very basic color theory but Daniel acted like one of those cute deaf kids who hear sound for the first time and make faces and clap their hands and squeal.

Production notes: spend more on hot canvasses, less on sound design. 

The tatt bros also had to create a Mexican day of the dead themed tattoo.

"I want you to tat me up with your skull, BB, while I figure out how to dispose of the rest of you..."

Um…so what was up with that Stevedore bro begging to have Ta2 BB’s face on his body for the rest of his life. Ta2 BB better be on the lookout for this bro for basically all of eternity because his eyes had a “serial killer in love” look to them that was creepy. Daniel would still tap that, though (just for the record).

Here’s a rhetorical question for you, dear reader: does anybody think that all of these models who are bitching with the tattoo artist are ACTUALLY being cunts or is this just manipulation on the part of the production company? The thing is, neither of us remembers so many bitchy, fussy, cunty clients putting their feet down in episodes past. Do they vet these people at all? Isn’t there some thing they sign that’s like, “You’re skin belongs to us and you get no say in it whatsoever.” I mean, what’s up with dude being like, “Oh no you ain’t goan’ put no Messican dead bro tatt on mah body.” That’s the challenge. Why would they allow something like this to happen? Why is an artist put at a disadvantage with a shitty canvas who isn’t playing by the rules? We’re both calling phony. Drummed up. Tacked on. Hacked in. Clued out. Turned down. You get the idea. The girl that got fuckable fireplug James Danger kicked off the show just seemed to take it a bit far…who knows. That shit was TOO HOT 4 TV.

"Do you mind if your free 6 hour tattoo actually has something to do with the fucking challenge?"

That above rant was obviously about the dude with two beaded goatees who was getting all pissy about Kyle’s (the bro with the eye on his neck) tattoo idea. If you’re not being prodded by production to behave like an asshole then you’re actually an asshole. Is it us? Maybe.

OHGOD…so at the critique Banjo Kazooey kind of flipped out and said, “YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK”

And yeah…a lot of these tattoos really blew chunks.

Andre 3000 really messed up on this one. He’s lucky to still be here because he actually didn’t follow the instructions for the challenge, and everybody was giggling because he actually created a mess of a piece. We’re surprised…and so were several of the contestants on the show. Lesbro was giddy at what a horrible job ‘Dre did.

Andre 3000's weird weird weird one. I'm glad he got called out on not following the stipulations. 

So, so disapproving.  Nunez read in 4...3...2...1...

(sound of Andre getting spanked 3000 times)

Brozzley’s model was a big hot hunk of bro. His tattoo was a big hot hunk of horrible messy turd. Poor dude. He was sweet as hell. We were practically weeping ourselves when he broke down and ran out of the room to cry in the closet. Jersey Jimmy was also uncharacteristically sweet when he chased after him.

This scene made me want to cry as well ---Dave

Anyway, so Brozzley broke down and then got kicked off. When he said, “I’m really sad,” it made us really sad. Seeing big hairy dudes cry kind of gives Daniel a boner too so….

On a serious note, though, boo hoo hoo…Brozzley Bear! You went to soon. We just gave you your cute name, too. *dab at eyes with tissues*

Tune in next week for someone doing something to some end in front of some other somebodies. Is “somebodies” a word?

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Once again, Daniel forgot to mention the winner. Lil' Greaser Bro won with this.

Which brought us this; Ta2 BB getting burned for being nice. 

She pretty much handed Lil'GB the win. Don't worry, BB. You have good Juju.

Yay: Lesbro's tattoo. This deserved the win, it's gorgeous.

Yay: Kyle's "Arabian Luchadore". It's too bad about the background, and the dick-head double dildo "client". It's a beauty and coulda been a contender. Note to contestants: when you have a Mexican guest-judge, research your Aztec shit!

Yay: Kyle's flash challenge tattoo. Finally got to do a real phoenix 

and make up for that cruddy nu-skool one from episode 3. 

Nay: Ta2 BB's selfie. All kinds of creepy. Mostly beautifully rendered, though.

Nay: Well-dressed Bro's tattoo. The girl is nice, but the eyes (and face paint around the eyes) 
are all kinds of wonked-out.

GAY! I couldn't bring myself to call out any of the artists this week after the spanking and reaming they all got from the judges, and all of the tears after Brozzly was tossed into the bear pit. So instead, we will dub this animated gif of Auntie Navaro casting some Bruja magic at your pious selves.

Twice as sweet as sugar. Twice as bitter as salt. - Season 3 Episode 4

Grab your seats and get ready for a heaping big fist full of HAM.

Human canvas heat index: Dave says 1, Daniel says 3.5. 

Step it up, casting…we need hotter canvases like yesterday. Don’t make me put in a call to Big Bertha from Cell Block B. She’ll fuck you up AND HOW!

As the dust settled from all of last week's episode’s drama, we be left with…more drama, basically. This is reality TV after all. Boring contestants get kicked to the curb quick unless they’re incredibly talented, like Andre 3000. And he's got the dramatic hair so at least he’s bringing the drama in that department.

Our opening drama centers around Joshua da Play’a being a jackass. His name from this time forward is Mrs. Priss. He’s this season’s villain…and both of us should have seen that he was getting the winner’s edit from a mile away at the beginning of the episode, but we were gorging on pizza and ice cream (cheat night, y’all!) so we clearly weren’t thinking clearly...clearly!

  

After the immediate drama of the opening shots, the show segues into YET ANOTHER TIE IN. This episode has been brought to you by a special “clip” (they didn’t even get to see the actual movie) from the upcoming Bourne-bro film, Elysium.

Tie ins on reality TV feel so ham-fisted, tacked on and awkward these days (we’re looking at you Yoplait challenge on Project Runway this season) that it really just feels like no one is even fucking trying. Everybody drop their dignity and grab for the cash! God knows I would.

Somewhat less ham-fisted product placement. Ham-fingered. 

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So there were two parts to this weeks flash challenge. Firstly, in some sort of possible tie in to the movie commercial we were presented with between commercial breaks (who doesn’t love MORE commercials?), the tatt bros are told that they’re going to have to do a bar code. Everybody is immediately bummed. Dave said that bar codes are the worst. Very precise, everything has to line up on the tops and bottoms…just goddamn tattoo hell.

My 4th machine was/is a Seth Ciferri---Dave

The second facet to this challenge is that all the kiddies are given unassembled tattoo machines (Daniel learned that a real tatt bro would never call it a “gun”) and told to put them together.  Some dude named Seth Ciferri (Dave recognized him immediately and said he owns one of his machines) was basically there to wag his finger at everybody who didn’t know how to put their machine together properly. And that takes us right to the ladies. It seemed like all of them fucked this up completely. Ta2 BB was biting off her hoochie nails in an attempt to be able to even reach her machine parts with her fingers on the table, but she kind-of just failed miserably. Janice from the Muppets blew it. Lesbro told the viewers that she can’t put things together, which seemed totally humiliating for her. Don’t be sad Lesbro…we’re with you and you’re still one of Daniel’s favorite (although Andre 3000 has, for reasons obvious, kind-of moved into position 1 rather quickly).

"The one thing I'm a girly-girl about"... if being girly means you can't put a machine together, then you're def more manly than Janice or Ta2 BB!

There were some cool bar codes and some shitty ones that looked like a plastic hair comb that was left on an oven burner while hot. Not too good. As a quick aside, Daniel remembers at one point, maybe 20 years ago, thinking that a bar code tatt would be cool, and for any of you readers who have one this isn’t meant to be a knock against you, but since Dave hates doing them so much we’ll both just say that they blow. The good news is that you can always have it turned into something that resembles a checkerboard for mice! How KEUT!

We loved these shots almost as much as the editors did. 

Anyway, in the end I don’t think Ta2 BB even had anything…not one line on her human canvas. The girl was just sitting there with her stencil placed and looking sad. Poor Ta2 BB! Seth Ciferri said, “The weakness has been exposed.” Should we start calling Ta2 BB “The Weakness”? Doesn’t seem nice. And she’s nice, so we won’t go there gurlfriend.

*2 snaps*

Jason's bar-code looked cleaner to me than Andre's...

Andre 3000 wins it bitches….er…um…motherfuckers! A-hem.

Craig, Andre’s real, live name, is fucking awesome and so obviously in the lead this season.

Oh and one more thing…poor Brozzly Bear…he was crying when talking about basically making a complete turd out of the flash challenge in front of one of his heroes, that Seth dude. Poor Brozzley. Daniel would put your penis in his mouth for a minute if it would help dry your eyes.

Brozzly's wobblies

On to the...

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

This week’s word or phrase that makes everybody scream, otherwise known as the theme of the challenge: Celtic tattoos with a focus on line work.

But before all the bros got to their challenge, they all sat around telling the girls how stupid they are. Janice from the Muppets was WAY over it.

Jersey Jimmy is starting to wear on our last T-cell. Although we don’t disagree with him taking a mad disliking of Joshua (I’m pretty sure at this point that’s short beard-bro’s name).

So Andre 3000 had the advantage of assigning the tatts to the tatt bros. He tried to throw Mrs. Priss under the bus and, LIKE ALWAYS, that move basically guaranteed Mrs. Priss the win. Seriously, people...just throw the skulls up in the air and let gravity choose who is doing which tattoo.

Ar.... and not a looker in the bunch.

Did anyone else notice for the first time this week that the “Human Canvas Judging Session” is brought to us by Taco Bell? I’m waiting for the day that every contestant on this show, or any other for that matter, has their own presenting sponsor: “Brozzley Bear bro is brought to you by Nasonex!” and he’s wearing a little jersey with the Nasonex bee logo on it and every time he’s on the screen there’d be a little Mexican bee on the bottom left of the screen.

Celtic animals fucking suck. 

Dave taught Daniel a little bit about Celtic tattoos during the viewing of this episode but Daniel forgot most of it (again, the ice cream was fuckin’ with us); all he could remember was that you have to have House of Pain playing while drawing and inking them and they glow on Hogmanay. That sums it up I think. Everything else is peripheral and unimportant. Oh there’s something about potatoes in there too but that goes without saying we guess.

Janice has a blowout. A blowout is when the tattoo basically gets fucked up by the tattoo artist and it looks like sloppy hell. We’ve never seen a Muppet look so worried! Ohs nos! Dave said it’s the first one he’s seen on the show. Blowout, that is. Not Muppet.

While they judges are doin’ their thang everybody starts picking at Mrs. Priss, aka Joshua, and it actually felt pretty icky.

Critiques were as un-fun, scary and upsetting as they always are. Disapproving Father shook his head and frowned a lot. Banjo Kazooey chewed on his toothpick and looked hot (to Daniel anyway). Auntie Navarro communed with Satan the WHOLE time, basically ignored everybody and just sat there smoldering.

"Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn" - Auntie Navarro

Lesbro’s tattoo looked like olives flying around a giant matzo ball. Janice’s big blowout looked like hell. Ta2 BB did a pretty darn good job but her gears looked more like puzzle pieces. Still, she redeemed herself from doing absolutely NOTHING on the flash challenge.

Who is the dude with the backwards hat? Has he been on this show all along? Where did he come from? Did they sneak him in this episode because he’s kind-of hot? His bevel-esque tattoo was pretty killer but the heads on his chickens looked flat. Whoever you are, good job.

All three judges are definitely going to be sucking Andre 3000’s cock immediately after the taping of this episode.

Another beauty from Craig but technically it's not a celtic critter.

Ssssooooooo…..Mrs. Priss, Joshua, won. He won on his technical-ass outline tattoo. He did a pretty good job, but in the middle of being given a compliment decided to throw Jersey Jimmy under the bus for absolutely no reason. You blow Mrs. Priss but if you're scheming against J.J. you're doing it right...because he's kind-of freaking out. OMG!

Janice's meh tattoo. 

"It needs to be more flamey!"

The human canvases, who always come off like a bunch of idiots (and Daniel knows he, too, would (does) look like a total jackass were he on camera ever for any reason, ever), decided that Muppet Janice’s tattoo was the blow-blow-blowiest of all.

"I could make scuses, like these here scuses, but I wouldn't do that. But if I did, it would sound something like this:"

Mrs. Priss, Muppet Lady, Uncle Fester with a face, and Handsome Bro were called up for a spanking/praising from Satan’s pinch hitters. Mrs. Priss won and Janice from the Muppets was sent home.

"I hope Dr. Tooth will take me back."

It was funny how Mrs. Priss tried to give her a hug on her way out and she was all, “Oh fuck off you weirdo!”, slapping his hand away. "Don' you EVUH fuck wit' a Muppet" she seemed to say.

Oh no he/she didn't

Out of a little respect, I’ll call her by her real name at least once. Alley. Her name was Alley and she was actually pretty cool but she blew it.

Panty* takes it like a brah.
*panty = female bro/brah

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Joshua's tattoo, very purty.

Yay: I would have given Eric the win. Not as technical as Joshua's, but far more "Celtic".

Nay: The problem I had with a lot of these were that they were animals, and they were knotty, but they weren't celtic aninals...

Nay: ...and a lot of the others (even Joshua's) looked like bad flash designs.

GAY!: Then there's this, which has an animal and some knot work (yet isn't a Celtic Dragon) and looks like a flash design in an old biker shop. ALSO, it looks like a cover-up. Not good. 

Coming up next week: Dave's biggest sexual buzz-kill: major disfiguring  scars! BLLEEEEEACH!