season 4... a rant by Dave

so... 

Season 4 started a few weeks back. Daniel and I talked about reviewing episodes as Inkbastards again; it really is fun to do. I get a real kick out of Daniel's writing. He has a quick, sick wit that I can't duplicate, especially "on paper" (he's just silly in person), but he's a super busy guy and getting him to do every other episode last season was like pulling teeth (don't even ask about that round-robin story we started writing together 5 or 6 years ago...). And then getting the screen caps... that's a lot of work there, let me tell you. I am not myself experiencing a wealth of free time either, this internet porn isn't going to watch itself. Seriously though, business at my shop is pretty good right now, plus I've got some great animation and other art projects going that take up most of my time.

THAT BEING SAID... we discussed parring it down, trying to write smaller reviews. We got together to watch the second episode. Daniel had said to bring my laptop, but I didn't. I decided for us, after being asked by a few readers to bring the reviews back, to which I had said it was up to Daniel. This decision goes hand in hand with another decision regarding Ink Master. You see, after watching the first season I wrote Spike TV about wanting to be a contestant on the show, just before they started casting out nets to find artists for the show, I did a phone interview, and later went to a casting call. I was one of over 200 people at this casting call, and there were 4 total, plus video auditions, so there were probably 1,000 people clamoring to get on the show. I was not surprised at all that I didn't make the roughly 1 in 50 odds. Anyone who knows me can attest to my lo-key personality. The only things I could really say was that I was an out, gay artist... and that I have zero ability to hide it if I really don't like somebody. Fast-forward two years... Ink Master casting contacts me about trying out for season 5, days before the premiere of season 4. I think about it... I know I am a better artist than some of these people on this show, this would be great exposure, just as I thought 2 years back. Plus, after developing cute nick-names for Auntie Navarro, Banjo Kazooey, and Everybody's Disapproving Father, I felt like I might have some secret sarcastic armor against their nasty, critical slings and arrows. I decided to go through the casting ritual again.

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:

Randy Vollink

Seriously. This is the first gay tattooist on Ink Master. The guy SUCKS. Plus, he is whiney, and throws someone unnecessarily under the bus A.S.A.P.. Casting chose to use someone who has no redeeming qualities to represent gay tattooists to the audience. Instead of someone who you might say, "hey, that guy may be gay, but he's a pretty good artist... and a cool dude too!" about, he's only there to point and laugh at.  I mentioned this on my facebook page, and surprisingly, he had some defenders. I would hope that would not be the case after week 4, when the inevitable happened. Randy was being read, and deservedly so, for a ghawd-awfull tattoo. He interrupts the judges to whine about how hard it is to be a gay man in the tattoo world. He ultimately is eliminated for this crap-tastic tattoo, but still refuses to listen to the judges telling him it is not because he is gay. As he exits the stage, he astonishingly jabs in at Nunez "BTW, my boyfriend doesn't think you are hot!"... did he really go there? Reading Randy's twitter feed, he'd have you believe that he was made to look bad in editing. Probably so, but they could only edit material that you gave them, sir.

What does that do to my wanting to get on the show? I realized that the people who are the gate-keepers to this magical realm of reality competition participation are the very same people who put Mr. Vollink up on the Ink Master cross, knowing he'd hand Nunez and Peck the spikes to drive through his hands. Those are the very people I blame for this bullshit, and I don't want to deal with those jackals. As for the show, maybe season 4 will get better now, who knows, maybe I can enjoy it now enough to want to blog about it.

Some Girls - Season 3 Episode 3

Something for the bros.

Human canvas heat index: 0.3 - Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So idiot boy is gone. Thank fucking God. What an ass.

Alright, enough about that…except to note the fact that everyone was squealing and giggling when he was kicked off, which was pretty funny. There’s hated and then there’s loathed. He was in some special place worse than either of those things.

Babes!

FLASH CHALLENGE!

Garter belts on girls. Yuck! Since neither of the bros who blog this here blog like chicks, the whole, “Bring out the hos in lingerie” thing did nothing for us. Literally nothing. OK that’s not altogether true…a couple of these girls looked pretty manly so Daniel said he’d hit it from the back…in the dark…through a gloryhole…with a face full of smelling salts…after a hard day at the office…

So the artists had 4 hours to tattoo a garter belt AROUND the leg of their client. Yawn. The big twist for this flash challenge? One of the artists is going home. Dave predicted before we even started watching this episode that Mt. Baldie was going home…and he was right. Her garter belt blew huge, hanging goobers and THANK GOD she’s gone, although we’ll miss all of her crying. But dat face…

"I did knot win I did knoooooot... oh, hi Mark.  Actually, I did win."

This actually doesn't look too bad, from across the street. and with a bag over your head.

Tightey Whitey (aka short beard bro, aka Joshua le Douche) won the flash challenge and Dave was down for that. James Danger’s was fucking horrible. It look like he took poo and just wiped it around his canvas’ leg. And everybody was pissed at Ta2 BB for not doing a design that wrapped around her client’s leg…which made sense. Whoever heard of a garter belt that just is a sticker that you stick to your thigh? Daniel thought her tattoo was butt ugly but Dave didn’t seem too bummed out by it. (Again, Dave is the artist so whenever it comes to an opinion about actual art ALWAYS go with Dave’s opinion.)

3 for 3 for miss cry-cry. Cry, miss cry-cry,  cry!

Back to Bald ‘n’ Broken…she cried some more on her way out the door. Yay!

Since the word of the day was “texture”, which made everyone wince again, the guest judge (Tony Hundahl) was some texture master from another dimension or something. At first Daniel was like, “I’d tap that,” but by the end of the episode he was like, “I’d slap that!” Sexy from a distance, and before he opened his mouf…but then not so hot up close.

I think Daniel would still hit it- Dave

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Nobody wanted grandma Moses. Poor thing. Everybody’s like, “Oh naw dag I don’t want that beat up ol’ hag, son! Aw hell naw!”

Granny-go-lightly amid a sea of more pliable flesh.

So…a word about this bitch that Jamie Dangerously had as a "client". Fuck you. I’m guessing you’re always an insufferable, demanding bitch and everyone in your life hates you when you turn your back to them. FUCK. YOU.

"Did he just call me a dick?"

All that being said, James Danger did kind of screw up working with her…he didn’t really handle it well at all. Who knew this show would basically turn into "Client Management Master"?

Still, fuck her.

If nothing else, though, she brought the drama like no other canvas on the show before…and now even more people hate her. Shame that her shitty attitude sent one of the most tap-able pieces of ass on the show home.

Homeboy is built like a fireplug. An inked-up, fuckable fireplug.

Everybody else had clients who didn’t think that the universe revolved around them, so the rest of the episode was relatively drama-free until the end when they sent muscle boy home…and that was predictable. Ta2 BB’s granny was actually awesome as hell, sat like a pro, and loved her tattoo.

Granny's puffy pink and purple peenix.

As an aside, does it ever go as planned when somebody tries to screw their fellow competitors by assigning them the canvas that is initially perceived as the worst/most difficult? It doesn’t seem like it ever goes that way. It’s kind-of like life itself. "The best laid plans," or however that saying goes.

Craig's fucking awesome tattoo.

Craig Foster is a killer tattoo artist…he’s looking like THE frontrunner this season…hasn’t turned out anything but gold so far.

This ROCKS.

That Ally girl looks like that muppet that sings in the band. Muppet Gal? Neither of us can remember her name (it's Janice... I looked it up- Dave).

meanwhile, on the Death Star...

So Banjo Kazooey, Auntie Navarro and Everyone’s Disapproving Father sat down to figure out what to do with James Danger XXX…and they sent his ass home. He didn’t do a tattoo…makes sense. Fuck you bitch.

Also, there were fewer chickens-cum-phoenixes at the end of the day…Daniel was expecting some Beaks of Fury-level type shit…but a lot of these looked like the Firebird logo…which Dave said, “Yeah ding-dong. The Firebird logo is a phoenix.” To which Daniel replied, “Meow?”

And when did we start saying, “This is/isn’t going to get you the W”? Every time they say that I think of George W. Bush. Is that a thing now? “I need to get that W, dawg!”

So one of the hottest bros went home. Dave, as a consolation prize, offered to pull his W. He didn't accept that we know of. Shame. But the tradeoff is that bald WTF was also sent packing…so we’re basically back to 0.

"Dark Lord... WTF? No winner announcement this week? Amen."

Thanks for reading this trash, y’all. Until next time…tatts up, tits out, toots in (like they say in the industry).

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: The winner was not announced due to major unforseen dramage this ep. You can bet your grandma's tuna jerky that Craig won with this beauty.

Yay: Also another solid entry from Joey, with basically the same criticism from ep1. Pay attention now, Joey.

Nay: Bird be epileptic.

Nay: Danger's garter, which is what he lost the contest with. Looks like crayon. 

GAY: I hate to do this to you Kyle, my man, but...

Next Week: Machine Build go BOOM.

It's All About the Emo, Baby - Season 3 Episode 2

“Sixteen artists are battling it out to determine who’s number oneUHHHHHHHHHHHGGGH!!" That shit is funny. Didn’t they have a girl squealing in the opening of season 2 also?

  I DON’T EVER LEAVE MY HOUSE WITHOUT EIGHT MACHINES MINIMUM! – Banjo Kazooey

"You don't start a whoopie party without at least 5 whoopie machines!"

So last episode glasses bro went home for his chimp hit, leaving 14 losers and Tatu Baby, the person everyone on the judging panel wants to bone, including Auntie Navarro.
 

Emo bro is freaking out still…he’s a mess. I can’t wait to see him cry some more.

Remember kids---head trauma is serious business.

CARS! Oh joy. So this is the flash challenge: precision! (overused metal scrape noise sound effect) And we’ve got a football player to judge us on precision. Because football = precision. Somehow. This dude is completely unintelligible. And he’s got a customized grill on his face. And the challenge is to create a customized grill. Are you following? Nobody wants to be with Emo Boy. Ironed  hair got Emo Boy (Mystical Mike is his name…god help us) on his team.

Makes me wish I had a v8.

Tatu Baby said, “I am the wicker link on this team.”

The only one to wrap around the headlamps... and suffers for it.

Emo boy is completely, certifiably insane. Didn’t take much to figure that out though, so I’m not feeling special for making that assertion or anything.

And the winner is...

Johnny Danger, sharp dressed man and chill lesbo bro won the flash challenge, upsetting a room full of people who think they’re amazing. Lesbo bro is still Daniel's favorite of the bunch. 

Oh…so…James Danger? Very timely name in light of the whole Carlos Danger scandal. Will this work for him…or against him…or will basically nobody give a fuck? Probably the last option. He’s sexy though so at least he’s got that going for him.

This guest judge seems like he might actually not be firing on all cylinders. “It would be shiney.” “I like the flames.” “I like the skull head.” Oh well…he’s making millions more a year than I am, so I can probably laugh all day long as far as he cares.

Meh.

Short-beard bro is insufferable…and this is only episode two. His lack of self-esteem is so apparent and I have to wonder why, with reality shows having been on for fucking ever, people still think that they get respect by immediately trying to fight with everybody on the show. Does that EVER work out? If any of you know a contestant on any show that this tactic has worked out for in the history of television please contact us and let us know.

This one is the classiest, IMO---Dave

 The shell-shocked judge is back for the elimination challenge, which I guess is OK because he’s actually kind-of hot. The drama is starting to ramp up…have the feeling there’s going to be a lot of squealing, pointing and crying this season. So the challenge? An “anatomical” tattoo. Everyone seems bummed. They gave the pit tattoo, an arm pit that nobody wanted to be involved with for various reasons, some obvious and some not so obvious, to short-beard bro and he seems upset. Yay. Please go home.

"And now a word from our sponsor, the Dark Lord..."

Human canvas heat index this episode: 3.5 Not too hot. Bummer. Although, Daniel would totally tap that big old dude with the biker ‘stache. Dave would definitely tap one of those smaller bros…maybe the heat index is like a 4.25.

Dave would like a wife-beater with a side of red-beard.

Whoa…just saw big older dudes fingers…and never mind. Not tappin’ that.

D'ems some trucked knuckles.

And what a fucking surprise…armpit girl is like, “OWOWOWOWWWOW!” No shit dummy. Every artist winced when you said you wanted your armpit done.

"ah cahnt take it, AH CAHNT!"

Spike TV really have two shows that end with “Master”? Ink master? Fight master? Hmmm. Creativity is a lost art.

Wait... don't they recognize my genius?

So emo bro completely loses it, stringing together sentences with words that don't actually go together in any way that makes sense. Then he tells lesbo bro that she has penis envy. You blew it bro. Also, apparently he threw his one friend in the house, blonde shrill chick, under the bus during judging and she kind-of loses it on him...and rightly so. Everybody hates you, emo bro. What's his name again? Frank Fantastic? Mister Mesmerizing? It's something stupid.

oh shit. they don't.

Commencing ego-bursting read session in 4..3..2..1..

I'm being spanked red by Nunez.

Mystical Mike not so mystical now...(sad trombone)

And.........they send him (Sylvester Slickster?) home. Daniel could see what he was trying to do, and honestly thinks there were worse tattoos on display, but EVERYONE hates this dude. Dave was surprised that they didn't keep him on for good T.V. viewing's sake, and he's got a point. But Daniel feels like they hated this idiot so much they stopped caring about ratings and got him the fuck out of there.

"The Dark Lord has revoked your license to mystic, henceforth you are merely abstruse."

Emo bro! Take notice. You're so goddamn stupid and annoying that cable stations stop caring about ratings in order to get rid of you. That's unreal. Room's full of suits agree that you ruin everything you touch. Get a life.

that's 2 for 2 crying at the critique for miss cry-cry.

Still...bald chick is a horrifying mess and already it's quite easy to see that she is already long in the tooth for this show. She'll be leaving soon. Or not...but Daniel hopes so. Tired of looking at her face.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Daniel was so excited to see Ignacio the Illusionist leave that he forgot to mention the winner, this tri-tip by Craig. Nice one.

Yay: "screaming vagina"...'nuff said.

Yay: I don't care what the judges say, I really like this one. Sure it's not realistic, but if it was a spumco anatomy book, well then...

Nay: If you block the mid-portion with your finger this does look real. A shame.

Nay: The background really does fuck with this otherwise beautiful piece.

Nay: Persis Khambatta's punky brewster is not long for this competition.

GAY: Dumb, dumb, dumb dumb. Also, Mike sucks.

GAY: Actually a fairly nice one by Kyle. Filed under GAY because I still want to hit it. 

Next Week: Carlos Danger loses the candidacy over ANOTHER sexting scandal!

You're in my house now! - Season 3 Episode 1

BLAOW! Ladies and gentlemen, your most TRUSTED source for all things Ink Master is back. We’re the place to find all of the FACTS about this fascinating show. So let’s get blogging!

Season 7 starts off again with the drummer from Stone Temple Pilots, Dave McRay, as the host. Just like in all prior seasons, the winner gets $1,000,000 and 7 lifetime’s worth of careers as a tattoo artist, plus some oral from their choice of a man or woman. Yeah boyeeee!

……………………………….um

Alright, so maybe we’re not the source for all things factual in regards to this show, but if you want to read a bunch of bullshit written by a couple of bros who think this show is the bee’s knees, you’re in the right place.

This season has all the regulars. Emo bros. Bald ladies. Neck tat bros. Pissy white bros. Nice black bros. Lesbo bros. And Tatu Baby…so…it’s got something for everybody.

New Kids on the Block... get it? Block? ... Prison...?

The first challenge…what’s it called…the flash challenge? It was some prison thing and it was silly. Bros flexing on each other. I loved the dude going, “You’re in my house now, yo! Wipe yo feet, yo!” What an idiot. Nice house though. I (Daniel) have a close friend in prison and needless to say that place is full of people who know everything about everything but somehow can't figure out how to pay the bills and keep a job like the rest of us. I'd go insane in there...which is why I behave like a dandy gentleman.

yard ambiance

So back to the flash challenge. I guess they had to do single needle tattoos on this one, which Dave says is really difficult. Daniel has no idea what the fuck that means.

Bald girl has a southern accent. Oh joy. Please get kicked off immediately.

Before the first challenge is even up two artists have described themselves thusly: “I’m a _____________with a _________twist.” One was the bald chick, so now there are two people I want to see go.

(PLEASE NOTE: WE’RE NOT GOING TO TRIP TOO MUCH ON NAMES YET SINCE IT’S THE FIRST EPISODE. MIGHT NOT GET TOO SPECIFIC FOR THE NEXT FEW EPISODES,
NAHMEAN?)

disclaimer- we have no idea if lesbro is, in fact, a lesbro

Lesbo bro seems cool as hell. Daniel has already put her on his favorite list in spite of the fact that she wouldn't go down on him and vice versa.

Umbrella ghost! If you haven’t watched the movie "The Great Yokai War" check it out as soon as you can. You'll see lots of them li'l umbrella bastards plus a wall ghost and another ghost with a beak.

So…who won the phony prisoner challenge? The sharp dresser. His name is Joey Hamilton. His name is Joey Hamilton. His name is Joey Hamilton.

After the flash challenge the tat kidz check out their new digs, squeal over they Jager dispenser, and then talk a lot about how this is “real” and “happening” and “supercalafragelisticexpialadocious”.

 OH FUCK ME…the contestants say…this season’s twist: a human canvas jury. Dave thinks this is a great idea because in the end a tattoo artist has to make his/her client happy. Daniel, who is the furthest thing from an artist on the face of the planet, thought this was funky because clients suck. We’ll side with Dave on this one since he’s actually a real life, honest-to-goodness tattoo artist.

So did you guys know that a dragon tatt is the “kiss of death”? I’ll ask Dave what he thinks about this. I’d say the Millennium Falcon tatt is the kiss of death. This crowd certainly seems to choke on dragons---Dave

Cover-ups is sooper hard!

The main challenge this episode is a cover up tattoo………on the same bros………who got the single needle prison tattoos…….so they’re not actually in prison……..any more……but they were………or some shit. This challenge has more twists than the first 10 minutes of this episode, and that’s fucking saying something.

We in your house now!

Daniel thought the client with the glasses is pure boner material, for what it’s worth. I counted at least 6 of them had glasses, but I think I know which one Daniel would tap---Dave

Dave's early front-runner for mos likely to tap.

The Tattoo Tribunal. The Tatbunal. 

So Auntie Navarro is, of course, back this season in full swangin’ force. We hear on the internetz that he’s 4’2”. Does anyone know if this is true?

Chris Nunez is still hot and grumpy as fuck.

Banjo Kazooey, the owner of True Tattoo, is still hot…to Daniel. The toothpick gag just never gets old.

"I have a dream, a dream to be this season's wet fart."

Short beard bro was hot at the beginning of  the episode…but nearing the end he’s tired, boring, stupid, and on the level with whatshisname blowhard from episode 1.

Daniel digs the muscle eagle thing tattoo. It’s pretty cool. His hair, though! Honey, bust out that flat iron.

"I'm ca-ray-zee!"

Boy oh boy…the judges are starting the seasons off in full-on cut a bitch mode. Did they edit all the nice stuff out? Tatu Baby gave the judges the finger. Emo boy did a blue tiger or something with one machine. What does that mean? Daniel doesn’t get it. Emo boy is freaking out. LOL.

"I'm just here cuz no one appreciates my genius." 

It would be funny if the judges spanked the second-to-bottom every episode. I wish that happened.

"GOD! IT HURTS! IT HUUURTZZZ!"

So…the dumb prisoners decided that the baboon was one of the worst. If there were prisoners every episode I might not make it through the whole season. Prisoners suck. There…I said it.

"I vill put a schpel on yu!"

So glasses bro, Tatu Baby, bald girl and emo boy are on the chopping block/winners circle. Who won it? Tatu Baby. Of fucking course. They all want to bone her, so she’s a shoo-in. (She deserved the win---Dave) The prisoners hated the bald girl’s tattoo. Her accent comes and goes. It makes me want to commit suicide.

That'll teach you to diss the Pit Bull. 

Emo boy gets mouthy on the chopping block. Glasses bro goes home. No way it should have been him over bald girl. Period.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: This tattoo by well-dressed man was a "human canvas" favorite and one of  mine as well. A clear case of nit-picking by the judges.

Yay: Another clear case of nit-picking by the judges. A really nice piece by the  hillbilly dwarf .

                       Nay: The dragon 2 pics up is a dragon. This is a cartoon of a dragon.

GAY: How this didn't get called out as crap by the judges is insane. It looks like he was trying to do a a crap tattoo. Or crap a do. 

Next time: Emo boyz up in yer Girrrrrl.