Skull Drilling Douchness - Season 3 Episode 9

skully ramone

Human Canvas Heat Index:
FLASH CHALLENGE: 10 becuz skullz r so hot right now
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: 2.2 a pretty bleak line-up but saved by the cute geeky enthusiasm of it all.

End of a budding bromance.

So this episode started out with something pretty incredible. After Andre 3000's being sent packing at the end of the last ep, Kyle had enough of Joshua's continued presence. Over the past couple of challenges, a possible respect and/or friendship seemed to be possibly brewing between Kyle and Joshua; they even won the flash challenge together in the Jaegerflash challenge. But when Miss Priss outlasts the extremely talented Andre 3000, Kyle explodes in a flurry of hand gestures and bleeped-out expletives. Actually everybody was bummed. It was pretty funny to watch. We'd feel bad for Miss Priss if she...er, he wasn't such a douche with an over-inflated estimation of his own talent, charm and penis size.

Bonus points to Kyle for this quote: "Josh, everybody knows that your pin-up looks like butt-ass hell."

Priss sits and takes the abuse. 

It was BLEEPIN' glorious.

Pee Wee's word of the week: Animosity...no that's not right. Consistency. Yes that's it...consistency.

FLASH CHALLENGE!

"This weeks majick word is: Precision! er, Accuracy! um, Attention to detail! Hand me the Necronomithesaurus."

Into the science lab, kiddies.

We thought this was a pretty neat idea, taking a "skull" (were these real?) and carving a li'l design into it to represent the concept of consistency, a word that once again seemed a puzzle to half of the contestants. PRODUCERS! Next season can we have a dictionary on set so that these Einsteins can look this shit up?

Also...did the line producers decide that the show needed more back home drama? We've got Lesbro weeping about her mom. We've got Ta2 BB breaking down and freaking the fuck out. We've got Kyle going on about his shitty mortgage or whatever. We've got the idiot who looks like Cousin It With A Face going on and on about his "nervous condition". Yuck. We've also even got Miss Priss crying. WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL. They could call this goddamn show Tears Master and we'd have a bunch of fucking champs up in this bitch. Jesus.

Back to the actual show...were these skulls real? I mean, seems both funny and sad for somebody to be like, "I'm donating my body to science" and then they get used as a Flash Challenge prop on a basic cable reality television show buried on channel 8,463. Don't get us wrong...if they're real skulls they'd make neat souvenirs, but still...

"I am donating my body to help cure disease... the disease of dreadful reality challenges!"

About Ta2 BB, Miss Priss said, "She's definitely consistently showing that she's having a hard time with this competition." We see what you did there, you devil. This little display of shade did one thing for the show: it let us know that at least ONE artist knows what the word "consistency" means. She may be ugly, but she smart.

Team Handsome's (Joey's) skull blew flaming chunks.

I liked this one, despite the marker (and artist)---Dave

Jersey Jimmy thought he should have won because he busted out the magic marker. LOL

And the winner was Miss Priss. HAHAHA...everybody is just so bummed. The schadenfreude runs strong in this episode so far. Plus it'll be fun to watch Miss Priss blow it now that he thinks he's in a position to run shit.

Obviously the skull of the man who started BME.

Cut to: Lesbro and Cousin It With A Face buttering Miss Priss up, hoping to get on his good side. ATTENTION, IDIOTS! Miss Priss doesn't have a good side. Idiots.

So when it's skull assignin' time, what does Miss Priss do? He gives the worst tattoos to these two idiots. Lots o' laughs on this episode.

Anyways...it's time for the:

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

"I draw the Batman, dammit. The Batman."

Um...what's with this judge? We know he's a known comic book illustrator...but...um...our gaydar was going off like crazy, and not in a good way. More in that, "OMG that creepy uncle who never shows up for Thanksgiving just tried to touch my weiner," kind of a way.

So the challenge was to tattoo a super villain on some comic book nerd canvas. Pretty cool idea for a challenge, actually, except for the creepy gay uncle guest judge dude.

"You will not remember or ever tell a soul... or I keel your mather!"

Josh is trying to game things by giving artist what they think they'd want...save for the two idiots that tried to work him over. Again: HaHa!

Only LOSERS like DC comics. 

Oh Jersey Jimmy...who the fuck would want a new school Poison Ivy? She just looked like a goddamn forest elf or some shit. BOOOOOOO!

The heat between Miss Priss and Ta2 BB is getting hot, hot, hot. We think they actually want to fuck each other...and we're talking Ta2 BB with a strap on type of stuff. It's fun to watch Ta2 BB bring out her claws, because she seems like a really chill girl, but Miss Priss is such a douche that she just can't abide. U GO GURL! U FUCKIN' GO!

It's also fun (for Daniel, anyway) to watch Banjo Kazooey go after contestants...his mustache blows out like Yosemite Sam's. Giggle.

Flipped that bitch. A dumb, dumb mistake that you would not realize until a hick with a toothpick in his mouth reams your  lesbro man-hole into puss-filled cess-pool. Ouch.

I didn't mean that, don't beat me up, plz.

So it was Lesbro's time to go. Blows to watch you leave, but yeah...it was time. :( WE R SADZ.

She ain't no Eartha Kitt, kittens.

And Team Handsome snatched the win with his snatchy cat woman. Well done Team Handsome.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Kyle's Darkseid. Really nice, and as the only Kirby-designed villain, the one I would have wanted to do.

Yay: Joshua's Bane portrait. Anyone who says this isn't "comic-book" hasn't seen one in the last 20 years.

Nay: Jersey's gender-bending Jolly Green Giant.

GAY: Jersey Jimmy's attitude at the critique. He's lucky he's had some wins, Made Rich got sent packing for less disrespect of the subject matter.

A Very Icky Canvas - Season 3 Episode 7

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: 0 not because we don’t like Auntie Navarro (although we don’t) but because it’s like tattooing your grandmother. Yuck!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Daniel gives this a 10 simply for white trash bro with the tatts, plugs and goatee who NEVER GOT ANY FUCKING CAMERA TIME. Boo. There were several other sexy bros too, so we’ll give this a 7. Well done, casting. We’re going to let you out of the dog house with this track record you’re establishing.

He DID get the golden gate tattooed on him, so I'd guess he plays on our team, Daniel---Dave

Let’s all jump on the bus! Auntie Navarro’s tour bus, that is. Or one that resembles it somewhat. Or something. And then let’s drive around the city for inspiration for some reason.

Auntie’s word of the week? DEPTH *screeeeeammmm*

They got right to it this week, so let’s get right to it, ladies and gentlemen.

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So, upon entering the bus, Auntie Navarro literally said the following: “For this flash challenge you’re designing for a very ICKY canvas……..me.” Boom, folks. Boom

I assume Auntie's actual tour bus would have less FORMICA. 

He asks them to design something in the key of old school, displaying that they have some fucking idea of what the word “depth” means. In a perfect world it would mean that Auntie would have something on her…er…his skin that would look like a 3D object and people, preferably impressionable young ladies, would be grabbing at it hoping to put it in their purse and take it home, whatever it is.

He also wants everybody to make 2 designs…one for good luck and one for bad luck. He’s going to choose one design from two different designers and then they’ll have 90 minutes to do them AT THE SAME TIME TIME TIME time time time. (That’s supposed to be an echo)

a very icky canvas.

Snore. I think the producers of the show looked at her…um…him one day and said, “Bro, for being a rock star you have some god awful tattoos. What happened? Did Flea come at you with a machine while you were passed out on PCP? Anyway, we need to upgrade your tatt status pronto as the twitterati have been destroying both your art and your hair non-stop since this show debuted, and we know you’re not going to change your hair so…” Then everybody shuffled uncomfortably for a bit, hoping he would “get it”. He didn’t, so they spelled it out, and that’s how we got this silly flash challenge.

It was funny to watch people going, “OMG Auntie Navarro sportin’ my artwork! Do you know how many rock show hos would see that shit, bros?” High fives were certainly had all ‘round at the thought. On our end of the broadcast, however, the high fives were replaced with eye rolls.

"As you leave your mark on me, I, in turn, shall mark your souls as property of Yog-Sothoth."

Cousin It With a Face, formerly known as Uncle Fester With a Face on this blog until Dave pointed out to Daniel that Uncle Fester HAD a face and that he had been probably thinking of Cousin It, said something funny. He was like, “Whoa my tatt on the Auntie? That’d be a gnarly way to leave my mark!” (That was paraphrased). We were like, you could also just walk up to the Auntie and slap her across the face and that would definitely leave a mark too, bro. Anyway, Dave was right. Daniel has always had a terrible time with names, even fictional ones. He used to call his Mema, “Chester the Molester” and couldn’t understand why she always seemed so confused; he chalked it up to the onset of Alzheimers (which she never had by the way).

OK…so back to the Flash Challenge! Jersey Jimmy designed 20, count ‘em, 20 tattoos, while only tasked with 2. This is dumb Jersey Jimmy. Make 2 nice tattoos rather than 8 shitty tattoos. You suck more and more and more.

Joshua's canvas later dispels Jersey's bad vibrations via gesticular incantations..

Honestly, Jersey Jimmy and Mrs. Priss, Joshua, are to Ink Master what Coco Channel and Alyssa Edwards were to Ru Paul’s Drag Race last season…lame, drummed up drama between a couple’a drama queens who aren’t really all that great so they kick up dust to get the camera situated on their stupid faces.

Andre 3000’s rabbit/rabbit foot idea was gnarly and Daniel’s favorite, although somewhat sad. L Poor rabbit.

What’s up with Ta2 BB getting stuck on putting her face in every tattoo now? Her good luck flash design was of herself. Booooo! Her good luck tattoo caught the eye of the good Auntie, though, so kudos to her we guess. Yawn.

Ta2 BB's good luck design. A severed torso in a coffin is good luck?

Cousin It’s bad luck planchette (Daniel has no idea how to spell that) won over the Auntie, so under the gun she….er, he went. It was weird because the two artists are sitting there working on Auntie Navarro while everybody circled around them taunting and talking trash. What in the good, glorious, bonafide hell?

An eagle-eye got the brown-gnosed garden gnome his opportunity to mark up Auntie Bruja.

Meanwhile, back on the DeathStar...

Cousin It’s dumb face won overall. His total jackass side came out this episode, or it was always there but now that he actually did something notable we, blessed viewers, get to see it. Yawn x2.

That brings our bored asses to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Nikko Hurtado is the guest judge and though neither of us know who he is, and that doesn’t mean ANYTHING one way or the other, his work examples were quite beautiful and dude looks like he can make realism happen on yo’ skin at a shop near you, yo!

Photo realism is the name of the game this week, and also…landmarks. Yuck. Daniel thought if he was going to get any landmark tattoo it would be the sun coming up at Flex and tweakers scurrying into the bushes. Good times.

"Now's my chance to be evil."

"E V I L!"

(anxious)

"Evil."

Cousin It With a Face thought he was being all clever and crafty and, in the end, just made himself look dumb, dumb, DUMB.

LOL at Jimmy and his Grand Canyon tattoo…maybe we’ll take that back about Cousin It.

That Mount Rushmore tattoo? What in the holy fuck? “I want four faces in _____ hours, miracle worker Ta2 BB. Oh, and please kill yourself. Thanks.” These canvases REALLY need some pep talks about adjusting their expectations. “I want a full body suit in 2 hours please.” Give us, and the contestants, a goddamn break. Do you really want a shitty, shitty, shitty tattoo because you asked for the world? Well then I hope you get said shitty tattoo.

We could work on this canvas all week, every week.

Oh…also…WHY on God’s forsaken, hell-bent earth did Andre’s canvas not get any more camera time? That dude was fucking huge and hot as fuck and he appeared on the episode for exactly 1.7 seconds. Is there someone we can sue for this?

When Kyle put forward that he’s going through a foreclosure while on the show we both wanted to take him in our arms, kiss his forehead lightly, run our fingers through his hair, lay him down, fan him with palm fronds, feed him grapes, massage his li’l toes and tell him that everything would be alright. Poor dude. That blows. They should give him the win just for being such a KEUTI PI.

The two bridges….oh God were these bad…especially Mystery Bro’s (ES). It looked like…well…like something horrible, to be sure. A big black blob.

Ta2 BB’s 2 faces of Rushmore looked like an intentional joke.

"We see what you are doing to us, BB." 

So, in the end, one of the bridge bros, Team Handsome, won. Kyle’s coliseum was pretty cool for the time he was given. AND he threw Mrs. Priss a bone at the judging panel by acknowledging that Joshua’s ability to work with clients is admirable. Do we see a half-hot reality TV relationship forming before our very eyes? Hmmm. We’d be down to see them kiss.

Honestly, This tattoo isn't perfect. I guess it just rises above the rest. 

Framing this somehow would have helped a lot. 

Annnnnnnnd…Mystery Bro totally blew it with his shadowy-ass tattoo. I can’t say whether I’m sad to see him go or not because I always forgot he was there. E.S.? ES? Daniel’s a pedant and not knowing whether there should be periods after those initials or not is mad confusing, yo.

C.Y.L., E.S.

Alright folks, that wraps another episode of tatt bro drama. Sleep well and know that we touch ourselves when we think of you.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: E.S., for giving no excuses. 'Bout time someone didn't. Kudos.

Yay: Andre 3000's bad-luck bunny.

Nay: BB's bad-luck girl. I liked both of her designs, but didn't see the good/bad in them.

GAY: Jersey Jimmy's 20 roughs. None were finished enough to tattoo, nor were they any good.