Skull Drilling Douchness - Season 3 Episode 9

skully ramone

Human Canvas Heat Index:
FLASH CHALLENGE: 10 becuz skullz r so hot right now
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: 2.2 a pretty bleak line-up but saved by the cute geeky enthusiasm of it all.

End of a budding bromance.

So this episode started out with something pretty incredible. After Andre 3000's being sent packing at the end of the last ep, Kyle had enough of Joshua's continued presence. Over the past couple of challenges, a possible respect and/or friendship seemed to be possibly brewing between Kyle and Joshua; they even won the flash challenge together in the Jaegerflash challenge. But when Miss Priss outlasts the extremely talented Andre 3000, Kyle explodes in a flurry of hand gestures and bleeped-out expletives. Actually everybody was bummed. It was pretty funny to watch. We'd feel bad for Miss Priss if she...er, he wasn't such a douche with an over-inflated estimation of his own talent, charm and penis size.

Bonus points to Kyle for this quote: "Josh, everybody knows that your pin-up looks like butt-ass hell."

Priss sits and takes the abuse. 

It was BLEEPIN' glorious.

Pee Wee's word of the week: Animosity...no that's not right. Consistency. Yes that's it...consistency.

FLASH CHALLENGE!

"This weeks majick word is: Precision! er, Accuracy! um, Attention to detail! Hand me the Necronomithesaurus."

Into the science lab, kiddies.

We thought this was a pretty neat idea, taking a "skull" (were these real?) and carving a li'l design into it to represent the concept of consistency, a word that once again seemed a puzzle to half of the contestants. PRODUCERS! Next season can we have a dictionary on set so that these Einsteins can look this shit up?

Also...did the line producers decide that the show needed more back home drama? We've got Lesbro weeping about her mom. We've got Ta2 BB breaking down and freaking the fuck out. We've got Kyle going on about his shitty mortgage or whatever. We've got the idiot who looks like Cousin It With A Face going on and on about his "nervous condition". Yuck. We've also even got Miss Priss crying. WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL. They could call this goddamn show Tears Master and we'd have a bunch of fucking champs up in this bitch. Jesus.

Back to the actual show...were these skulls real? I mean, seems both funny and sad for somebody to be like, "I'm donating my body to science" and then they get used as a Flash Challenge prop on a basic cable reality television show buried on channel 8,463. Don't get us wrong...if they're real skulls they'd make neat souvenirs, but still...

"I am donating my body to help cure disease... the disease of dreadful reality challenges!"

About Ta2 BB, Miss Priss said, "She's definitely consistently showing that she's having a hard time with this competition." We see what you did there, you devil. This little display of shade did one thing for the show: it let us know that at least ONE artist knows what the word "consistency" means. She may be ugly, but she smart.

Team Handsome's (Joey's) skull blew flaming chunks.

I liked this one, despite the marker (and artist)---Dave

Jersey Jimmy thought he should have won because he busted out the magic marker. LOL

And the winner was Miss Priss. HAHAHA...everybody is just so bummed. The schadenfreude runs strong in this episode so far. Plus it'll be fun to watch Miss Priss blow it now that he thinks he's in a position to run shit.

Obviously the skull of the man who started BME.

Cut to: Lesbro and Cousin It With A Face buttering Miss Priss up, hoping to get on his good side. ATTENTION, IDIOTS! Miss Priss doesn't have a good side. Idiots.

So when it's skull assignin' time, what does Miss Priss do? He gives the worst tattoos to these two idiots. Lots o' laughs on this episode.

Anyways...it's time for the:

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

"I draw the Batman, dammit. The Batman."

Um...what's with this judge? We know he's a known comic book illustrator...but...um...our gaydar was going off like crazy, and not in a good way. More in that, "OMG that creepy uncle who never shows up for Thanksgiving just tried to touch my weiner," kind of a way.

So the challenge was to tattoo a super villain on some comic book nerd canvas. Pretty cool idea for a challenge, actually, except for the creepy gay uncle guest judge dude.

"You will not remember or ever tell a soul... or I keel your mather!"

Josh is trying to game things by giving artist what they think they'd want...save for the two idiots that tried to work him over. Again: HaHa!

Only LOSERS like DC comics. 

Oh Jersey Jimmy...who the fuck would want a new school Poison Ivy? She just looked like a goddamn forest elf or some shit. BOOOOOOO!

The heat between Miss Priss and Ta2 BB is getting hot, hot, hot. We think they actually want to fuck each other...and we're talking Ta2 BB with a strap on type of stuff. It's fun to watch Ta2 BB bring out her claws, because she seems like a really chill girl, but Miss Priss is such a douche that she just can't abide. U GO GURL! U FUCKIN' GO!

It's also fun (for Daniel, anyway) to watch Banjo Kazooey go after contestants...his mustache blows out like Yosemite Sam's. Giggle.

Flipped that bitch. A dumb, dumb mistake that you would not realize until a hick with a toothpick in his mouth reams your  lesbro man-hole into puss-filled cess-pool. Ouch.

I didn't mean that, don't beat me up, plz.

So it was Lesbro's time to go. Blows to watch you leave, but yeah...it was time. :( WE R SADZ.

She ain't no Eartha Kitt, kittens.

And Team Handsome snatched the win with his snatchy cat woman. Well done Team Handsome.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Kyle's Darkseid. Really nice, and as the only Kirby-designed villain, the one I would have wanted to do.

Yay: Joshua's Bane portrait. Anyone who says this isn't "comic-book" hasn't seen one in the last 20 years.

Nay: Jersey's gender-bending Jolly Green Giant.

GAY: Jersey Jimmy's attitude at the critique. He's lucky he's had some wins, Made Rich got sent packing for less disrespect of the subject matter.

A Very Icky Canvas - Season 3 Episode 7

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: 0 not because we don’t like Auntie Navarro (although we don’t) but because it’s like tattooing your grandmother. Yuck!

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Daniel gives this a 10 simply for white trash bro with the tatts, plugs and goatee who NEVER GOT ANY FUCKING CAMERA TIME. Boo. There were several other sexy bros too, so we’ll give this a 7. Well done, casting. We’re going to let you out of the dog house with this track record you’re establishing.

He DID get the golden gate tattooed on him, so I'd guess he plays on our team, Daniel---Dave

Let’s all jump on the bus! Auntie Navarro’s tour bus, that is. Or one that resembles it somewhat. Or something. And then let’s drive around the city for inspiration for some reason.

Auntie’s word of the week? DEPTH *screeeeeammmm*

They got right to it this week, so let’s get right to it, ladies and gentlemen.

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So, upon entering the bus, Auntie Navarro literally said the following: “For this flash challenge you’re designing for a very ICKY canvas……..me.” Boom, folks. Boom

I assume Auntie's actual tour bus would have less FORMICA. 

He asks them to design something in the key of old school, displaying that they have some fucking idea of what the word “depth” means. In a perfect world it would mean that Auntie would have something on her…er…his skin that would look like a 3D object and people, preferably impressionable young ladies, would be grabbing at it hoping to put it in their purse and take it home, whatever it is.

He also wants everybody to make 2 designs…one for good luck and one for bad luck. He’s going to choose one design from two different designers and then they’ll have 90 minutes to do them AT THE SAME TIME TIME TIME time time time. (That’s supposed to be an echo)

a very icky canvas.

Snore. I think the producers of the show looked at her…um…him one day and said, “Bro, for being a rock star you have some god awful tattoos. What happened? Did Flea come at you with a machine while you were passed out on PCP? Anyway, we need to upgrade your tatt status pronto as the twitterati have been destroying both your art and your hair non-stop since this show debuted, and we know you’re not going to change your hair so…” Then everybody shuffled uncomfortably for a bit, hoping he would “get it”. He didn’t, so they spelled it out, and that’s how we got this silly flash challenge.

It was funny to watch people going, “OMG Auntie Navarro sportin’ my artwork! Do you know how many rock show hos would see that shit, bros?” High fives were certainly had all ‘round at the thought. On our end of the broadcast, however, the high fives were replaced with eye rolls.

"As you leave your mark on me, I, in turn, shall mark your souls as property of Yog-Sothoth."

Cousin It With a Face, formerly known as Uncle Fester With a Face on this blog until Dave pointed out to Daniel that Uncle Fester HAD a face and that he had been probably thinking of Cousin It, said something funny. He was like, “Whoa my tatt on the Auntie? That’d be a gnarly way to leave my mark!” (That was paraphrased). We were like, you could also just walk up to the Auntie and slap her across the face and that would definitely leave a mark too, bro. Anyway, Dave was right. Daniel has always had a terrible time with names, even fictional ones. He used to call his Mema, “Chester the Molester” and couldn’t understand why she always seemed so confused; he chalked it up to the onset of Alzheimers (which she never had by the way).

OK…so back to the Flash Challenge! Jersey Jimmy designed 20, count ‘em, 20 tattoos, while only tasked with 2. This is dumb Jersey Jimmy. Make 2 nice tattoos rather than 8 shitty tattoos. You suck more and more and more.

Joshua's canvas later dispels Jersey's bad vibrations via gesticular incantations..

Honestly, Jersey Jimmy and Mrs. Priss, Joshua, are to Ink Master what Coco Channel and Alyssa Edwards were to Ru Paul’s Drag Race last season…lame, drummed up drama between a couple’a drama queens who aren’t really all that great so they kick up dust to get the camera situated on their stupid faces.

Andre 3000’s rabbit/rabbit foot idea was gnarly and Daniel’s favorite, although somewhat sad. L Poor rabbit.

What’s up with Ta2 BB getting stuck on putting her face in every tattoo now? Her good luck flash design was of herself. Booooo! Her good luck tattoo caught the eye of the good Auntie, though, so kudos to her we guess. Yawn.

Ta2 BB's good luck design. A severed torso in a coffin is good luck?

Cousin It’s bad luck planchette (Daniel has no idea how to spell that) won over the Auntie, so under the gun she….er, he went. It was weird because the two artists are sitting there working on Auntie Navarro while everybody circled around them taunting and talking trash. What in the good, glorious, bonafide hell?

An eagle-eye got the brown-gnosed garden gnome his opportunity to mark up Auntie Bruja.

Meanwhile, back on the DeathStar...

Cousin It’s dumb face won overall. His total jackass side came out this episode, or it was always there but now that he actually did something notable we, blessed viewers, get to see it. Yawn x2.

That brings our bored asses to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Nikko Hurtado is the guest judge and though neither of us know who he is, and that doesn’t mean ANYTHING one way or the other, his work examples were quite beautiful and dude looks like he can make realism happen on yo’ skin at a shop near you, yo!

Photo realism is the name of the game this week, and also…landmarks. Yuck. Daniel thought if he was going to get any landmark tattoo it would be the sun coming up at Flex and tweakers scurrying into the bushes. Good times.

"Now's my chance to be evil."

"E V I L!"

(anxious)

"Evil."

Cousin It With a Face thought he was being all clever and crafty and, in the end, just made himself look dumb, dumb, DUMB.

LOL at Jimmy and his Grand Canyon tattoo…maybe we’ll take that back about Cousin It.

That Mount Rushmore tattoo? What in the holy fuck? “I want four faces in _____ hours, miracle worker Ta2 BB. Oh, and please kill yourself. Thanks.” These canvases REALLY need some pep talks about adjusting their expectations. “I want a full body suit in 2 hours please.” Give us, and the contestants, a goddamn break. Do you really want a shitty, shitty, shitty tattoo because you asked for the world? Well then I hope you get said shitty tattoo.

We could work on this canvas all week, every week.

Oh…also…WHY on God’s forsaken, hell-bent earth did Andre’s canvas not get any more camera time? That dude was fucking huge and hot as fuck and he appeared on the episode for exactly 1.7 seconds. Is there someone we can sue for this?

When Kyle put forward that he’s going through a foreclosure while on the show we both wanted to take him in our arms, kiss his forehead lightly, run our fingers through his hair, lay him down, fan him with palm fronds, feed him grapes, massage his li’l toes and tell him that everything would be alright. Poor dude. That blows. They should give him the win just for being such a KEUTI PI.

The two bridges….oh God were these bad…especially Mystery Bro’s (ES). It looked like…well…like something horrible, to be sure. A big black blob.

Ta2 BB’s 2 faces of Rushmore looked like an intentional joke.

"We see what you are doing to us, BB." 

So, in the end, one of the bridge bros, Team Handsome, won. Kyle’s coliseum was pretty cool for the time he was given. AND he threw Mrs. Priss a bone at the judging panel by acknowledging that Joshua’s ability to work with clients is admirable. Do we see a half-hot reality TV relationship forming before our very eyes? Hmmm. We’d be down to see them kiss.

Honestly, This tattoo isn't perfect. I guess it just rises above the rest. 

Framing this somehow would have helped a lot. 

Annnnnnnnd…Mystery Bro totally blew it with his shadowy-ass tattoo. I can’t say whether I’m sad to see him go or not because I always forgot he was there. E.S.? ES? Daniel’s a pedant and not knowing whether there should be periods after those initials or not is mad confusing, yo.

C.Y.L., E.S.

Alright folks, that wraps another episode of tatt bro drama. Sleep well and know that we touch ourselves when we think of you.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: E.S., for giving no excuses. 'Bout time someone didn't. Kudos.

Yay: Andre 3000's bad-luck bunny.

Nay: BB's bad-luck girl. I liked both of her designs, but didn't see the good/bad in them.

GAY: Jersey Jimmy's 20 roughs. None were finished enough to tattoo, nor were they any good. 

Kids, Say No To Crack - Season 3 Episode 6

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: Meh…too many titties/vaginas to get us excited.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Crank that shit up to 11! Holy fuck. The producers heard our whining and tossed us a major bone or two or three this week and now we’re both sitting here on the couch holding throw pillows to our laps.

Spiking the heat index... Jimmy Smith! Frank Trigg would look better if Jimmy wasn't also in this shot.

Quick note before we begin: Daniel sat down to watch this week’s episode and ran across Antique Roadshow. It’s a goddamn miracle that he made it to watch and blog about Ink Master because quite honestly there’s nothing on the face of this planet better than Antique Roadshow…yes, not even sex.
Dave on the other hand could care less, and missed Ink Master because he was visiting stoners in San Francisco who would rather watch Adventure Time.

So Daniel was laid up sick as a dog after trolling for STD’s over the weekend and Dave took a trip up north to get his tattoo worked on outside of Oakland. Hence our reason for getting this shit up a bit late. We’re busy gals…so shoot us.

So anyway, back to the show. Now that Brozzley’s gone that’s one fewer that we actually liked left on the show. Will be fun to see how Andre 3000 bounces back after angering the godz who judge this shit.

Josh went on about customer service and “revealed” that he is from a long line of used car salesmen. Good on him, we guess?

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So this week’s flash challenge put our contestants up against horse cock. Wait, is that right?

So... Louis Vuitton is now making designer tee-shirts for Satanists?

Um…so what was up with Auntie Navarro’s, “Today your canvas is the human body.” Dear line producers, please lay off the Special K or please do more cocaine or something please please please. That was the most creative thing you could come up with? You could literally roll a cup of Yahtzee letters and come up with something more interesting than that shit. Is anyone even trying? Am I upset over nothing? The answers to those two questions are no and then yes.

"Sulfur and brine, bitch and whine, porcupine be thine."

The challenge is to transform their canvas into a wild animal using body paint. Jersey Jimmy gets the “bonus” of assigning the animals to the contestants, so of course he’s gunning for Joshua. Therefore Joshua gets the porcupine.

Jersey Jimmy picks the owl for himself.

It’s funny because the contestants are fucking freezing in their jackets and beanies. Then we’ve got the models who are having to stand there basically naked. Must blow to be a model sometimes. Getting’ paid to stand there doin’ nothin’ but freeze your ass off. We’d take some money for that but we’d complain about it the whole time too, don’t think we wouldn’t.

Freezin', and sketchin', and shivrin', and drawin', and freezin', an...

Josh is bumming on his porcupine which isn’t wanting to cooperate. Shame on you Mr. Porcupine! Someone must have let slip that Mrs. Priss is the most hated contestant this season. Maybe the producers fed it some catnip or something? I’ve never considered a porcupine on crack before this episode and now it’s something I can’t get off my mind.

Trigg may have cauliflower ears, but this kitty gots some melons for shells.

It seemed like some people literally took this flash challenge to mean, “Transform your model into this particular animal,” while others took it to mean, “Draw a face on your model’s stomach,” the latter of which seems like cheating to us. We’ll go back and review the instructions, but didn’t Auntie Navarro say, “Transform dat ass into somethin’ zoological an’ shit.” We’re pretty sure that’s the way it went down. Regardless, of course they loved Ta2 BB’s picture of Garfield on some girls stomach. We think it was Garfield. Daniel said Garfield and we’re too lazy to fact check. It’s been a long week.

Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time. Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Team Handsome did a horrible tiger on his girls belly. Jiminy did an owl on a stomach. OMG Joshua’s porcupine looks like fucking hell. Lesbro just drew a snake draped around her model. It also looked like fuckin’ hell but at least she got to stare at boobies for the duration of the challenge. Andre 3000 did a pretty gnarly vulture and he worked that transformation angle. All in all…this really blew. Uncle Fester with a face seemed bummed but his wasn’t the worst so there’s that.

For a second I was thinking this was a Face-Off episode...

The judges hated Joshua’s porcupine and loved Jersey Jimmy’s stomach owl, but Kyle’s lizard seemed to stoke the judges out the most. Oh…and of course Ta2 BB and her cat with tits for ears. But Kyle (eyeball neck) won! Yay! He’s so fuckin’ sexy…we’re both in agreement over that shit. <3 U Kyle! Don’t fuck it up.

Now…on to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Daniel wants to be “judged” by Banjo Kazooey.

I'm sure I've seen this guy hovering near the dark corner behind the pinball machine,
slipping GHB into peoples drinks.

Whoa! Guest judge. Hello. You’re fuckin’ sexy dude. Troy Denning takes the judging panel into mad-daddy territory. Daniel would tap that and Dave most likely would too. (I might, but would slut-shame myself afterwards---Dave)

So the challenge is Asian tattoos. Everybody’s disapproving father, Chris Nuñez, is sneering at everybody because he’s some Asian master.

Hey...! Didn't the guy with the glasses get kicked off on the first episode?

FUCKIN’ FRANK TRIGG!

FUCKIN’ JIMMY SMITH! Oh God so fucking hot both of these fuckers. These dudes pushed our Human Canvas Heat Index to 11 by themselves. Excuse Daniel while he goes and fucks his hand really hard.

Kyle did exactly what I would have done and gave himself Jimmy Smith. Most likely for different reasons.

Mrs. Priss is all upset. He’s like, “Oh whyyyyy are people noticing I’m a cunt and then treating me thusly?”

Bro wants a tramp stamp. LOL Don’t do it bro. Don’t do it. He did it.

Jesus H. wore True Religion.

Mrs. Priss should be happy because his canvas is built like Jesus H. himself. Seriously…thank you casting. Dave will suck each of you off whenever you decide to ask for some oral. Male or female…he’ll do his best.

Auntie Navarro’s Christian Death shirt is cute. What a cutie!

Jersey Jimmy’s canvas is bumming out, throwing a wrench into his carefully laid plans of somehow destroying Mrs. Priss’ life. He’s going to figure out a way to blame it on Mrs. Priss. Trust us. He will.

Sudden emotional outbursts usually are a bad omen concerning the longevity of the contestant...

Uh oh…Lesbro. Please don’t say anything that starts with, “My whole life…” That’s always the beginning of lame-o territory in reality television. “My whole life people have made fun of the lump on my back.” “My whole life I’ve been teased for having one leg 8 inches shorter than the other.” When somebody starts with the “My whole life” sentences it means they’re trying to come up with excuses. ALL OF US have things that have blown for us our whole lives. Don’t go there, contestants. Don’t do it.

It’s too bad there’s not a live feed for this show the way they’re doing with that Big Brother nonsense because we could stare at Frank Trigg for several hours while he was getting worked over on a massage table. How goddamn sexy. PRODUCERS! Want to bring in more advertising dollars? Implement cameras on the tables next season and then let Frontiers readers know about it.

Fuck Trigg, more Jimmy Smith! Wa-cow! Wildcat!

The post tattoo drama got funky/funny with everybody picking at Mrs. Priss’ but crack tattoo. Daniel is actually starting to feel a bit bad for him. But he deserves it so fuck him.

Uh oh…Banjo Kazooey started off the judging session by saying that everybody blew chunks…just like he started off last week’s judging session. Hey Banjo, shake shit up and say something nice sometime. That will really put everybody off guard.

Anyway, invisible black bro’s (Rich) tattoo, was pretty damn funny. I mean, who DOESN’T want a google eyed Asian woman on their body. LOL

Rich's lack-luster attempt.

Uncle Fester with a face caught a little flack from the hot daddy guest judge. Still, it was a darn nice dragon.

At least Daniel likes it.

Lesbro might be getting the losers edit. Uh. Oh. Why did they have that snippet with her crying earlier? This isn’t looking good. L

Team Handsome (Joey) did a pretty gnarly mask on dude’s neck. Guest judge dug it.

Jersey Jimmy got in trouble for his demon tattoo. Bad design, bro. 

That's no demon, it's Raijin, Thor's butt-ugly Japanese cousin.

Mr. who the fuck? (E S?) drew a tiger and they didn’t like it at all. Daniel thought it was pretty.

Andre 3000’s birdz were funky. Uh oh.

Joshua’s butt mask was actually pretty goddamn horrible.

Banjo gets expressive about Joshua's crack-tat

OH

MY

GOD

I repeat; Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time.
 Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Wait... did Joshua just say "butt", "crack", and "rectum" all in the same sentence?

Ta2 BB’s lion was REALLY fuckin’ funny looking. Rawr Grrrr! Gurl! Pull that shit together.

So let’s all go to Taco Bell and see what the human tacos are deliberating about. They’re saying that they don’t like Josh’s ass-crack tattoo.

Wait... did Trigg just say "slap" and "ass" in the same sentence?

The beefarito judges giggled over Ta2 BB’s “stuffed animal” lion. Giggle.  

So Banjo Kazooey comes in and says, “We want to see all of you this week.” Oh good Lord.

NO WINNER this week. Is that supposed to be exciting? Come on Spike. We don’t all want to slit our wrists after watching your show. Put your judges on psych meds for Christ’s sake. They’re all trying to out grump each other.

"In lieu of a winner this week, we are grinding you all up and serving you to Asmodeus...
smothered in cheese and wrapped in a delicious Doritos® shell."

Oh dear. So who is getting the hatchet? Mr. Invisible (Rich)! That’s too bad because he was nice but it was time to go. It’s also too bad because he was sexy as all get out.

Made Sad.

And as for next week’s sneak peak: “You’re designing for a very picky canvas. Me.” – Auntie Navarro. *eye roll*

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Eric's well-dressed tattoo, should have won.

Yay: More than a zebra, this looks like a voodoo ghost!

Yay: Nice body paint on a nice body.

Nay: Andre 3000's big grey on gray tattay.

Yay: Ta 2 BB's stuffed lion. Girl's got heart, but lacks the smarts.

GAY: Lame-ass grumpy judges.