ink bastards: Kids, Say No To Crack

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: Meh…too many titties/vaginas to get us excited.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Crank that shit up to 11! Holy fuck. The producers heard our whining and tossed us a major bone or two or three this week and now we’re both sitting here on the couch holding throw pillows to our laps.

Spiking the heat index... Jimmy Smith! Frank Trigg would look better if Jimmy wasn't also in this shot.

Quick note before we begin: Daniel sat down to watch this week’s episode and ran across Antique Roadshow. It’s a goddamn miracle that he made it to watch and blog about Ink Master because quite honestly there’s nothing on the face of this planet better than Antique Roadshow…yes, not even sex.
Dave on the other hand could care less, and missed Ink Master because he was visiting stoners in San Francisco who would rather watch Adventure Time.

So Daniel was laid up sick as a dog after trolling for STD’s over the weekend and Dave took a trip up north to get his tattoo worked on outside of Oakland. Hence our reason for getting this shit up a bit late. We’re busy gals…so shoot us.

So anyway, back to the show. Now that Brozzley’s gone that’s one fewer that we actually liked left on the show. Will be fun to see how Andre 3000 bounces back after angering the godz who judge this shit.

Josh went on about customer service and “revealed” that he is from a long line of used car salesmen. Good on him, we guess?

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So this week’s flash challenge put our contestants up against horse cock. Wait, is that right?

So... Louis Vuitton is now making designer tee-shirts for Satanists?

Um…so what was up with Auntie Navarro’s, “Today your canvas is the human body.” Dear line producers, please lay off the Special K or please do more cocaine or something please please please. That was the most creative thing you could come up with? You could literally roll a cup of Yahtzee letters and come up with something more interesting than that shit. Is anyone even trying? Am I upset over nothing? The answers to those two questions are no and then yes.

"Sulfur and brine, bitch and whine, porcupine be thine."

The challenge is to transform their canvas into a wild animal using body paint. Jersey Jimmy gets the “bonus” of assigning the animals to the contestants, so of course he’s gunning for Joshua. Therefore Joshua gets the porcupine.

Jersey Jimmy picks the owl for himself.

It’s funny because the contestants are fucking freezing in their jackets and beanies. Then we’ve got the models who are having to stand there basically naked. Must blow to be a model sometimes. Getting’ paid to stand there doin’ nothin’ but freeze your ass off. We’d take some money for that but we’d complain about it the whole time too, don’t think we wouldn’t.

Freezin', and sketchin', and shivrin', and drawin', and freezin', an...

Josh is bumming on his porcupine which isn’t wanting to cooperate. Shame on you Mr. Porcupine! Someone must have let slip that Mrs. Priss is the most hated contestant this season. Maybe the producers fed it some catnip or something? I’ve never considered a porcupine on crack before this episode and now it’s something I can’t get off my mind.

Trigg may have cauliflower ears, but this kitty gots some melons for shells.

It seemed like some people literally took this flash challenge to mean, “Transform your model into this particular animal,” while others took it to mean, “Draw a face on your model’s stomach,” the latter of which seems like cheating to us. We’ll go back and review the instructions, but didn’t Auntie Navarro say, “Transform dat ass into somethin’ zoological an’ shit.” We’re pretty sure that’s the way it went down. Regardless, of course they loved Ta2 BB’s picture of Garfield on some girls stomach. We think it was Garfield. Daniel said Garfield and we’re too lazy to fact check. It’s been a long week.

Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time. Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Team Handsome did a horrible tiger on his girls belly. Jiminy did an owl on a stomach. OMG Joshua’s porcupine looks like fucking hell. Lesbro just drew a snake draped around her model. It also looked like fuckin’ hell but at least she got to stare at boobies for the duration of the challenge. Andre 3000 did a pretty gnarly vulture and he worked that transformation angle. All in all…this really blew. Uncle Fester with a face seemed bummed but his wasn’t the worst so there’s that.

For a second I was thinking this was a Face-Off episode...

The judges hated Joshua’s porcupine and loved Jersey Jimmy’s stomach owl, but Kyle’s lizard seemed to stoke the judges out the most. Oh…and of course Ta2 BB and her cat with tits for ears. But Kyle (eyeball neck) won! Yay! He’s so fuckin’ sexy…we’re both in agreement over that shit. <3 U Kyle! Don’t fuck it up.

Now…on to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Daniel wants to be “judged” by Banjo Kazooey.

I'm sure I've seen this guy hovering near the dark corner behind the pinball machine,
slipping GHB into peoples drinks.

Whoa! Guest judge. Hello. You’re fuckin’ sexy dude. Troy Denning takes the judging panel into mad-daddy territory. Daniel would tap that and Dave most likely would too. (I might, but would slut-shame myself afterwards---Dave)

So the challenge is Asian tattoos. Everybody’s disapproving father, Chris Nuñez, is sneering at everybody because he’s some Asian master.

Hey...! Didn't the guy with the glasses get kicked off on the first episode?

FUCKIN’ FRANK TRIGG!

FUCKIN’ JIMMY SMITH! Oh God so fucking hot both of these fuckers. These dudes pushed our Human Canvas Heat Index to 11 by themselves. Excuse Daniel while he goes and fucks his hand really hard.

Kyle did exactly what I would have done and gave himself Jimmy Smith. Most likely for different reasons.

Mrs. Priss is all upset. He’s like, “Oh whyyyyy are people noticing I’m a cunt and then treating me thusly?”

Bro wants a tramp stamp. LOL Don’t do it bro. Don’t do it. He did it.

Jesus H. wore True Religion.

Mrs. Priss should be happy because his canvas is built like Jesus H. himself. Seriously…thank you casting. Dave will suck each of you off whenever you decide to ask for some oral. Male or female…he’ll do his best.

Auntie Navarro’s Christian Death shirt is cute. What a cutie!

Jersey Jimmy’s canvas is bumming out, throwing a wrench into his carefully laid plans of somehow destroying Mrs. Priss’ life. He’s going to figure out a way to blame it on Mrs. Priss. Trust us. He will.

Sudden emotional outbursts usually are a bad omen concerning the longevity of the contestant...

Uh oh…Lesbro. Please don’t say anything that starts with, “My whole life…” That’s always the beginning of lame-o territory in reality television. “My whole life people have made fun of the lump on my back.” “My whole life I’ve been teased for having one leg 8 inches shorter than the other.” When somebody starts with the “My whole life” sentences it means they’re trying to come up with excuses. ALL OF US have things that have blown for us our whole lives. Don’t go there, contestants. Don’t do it.

It’s too bad there’s not a live feed for this show the way they’re doing with that Big Brother nonsense because we could stare at Frank Trigg for several hours while he was getting worked over on a massage table. How goddamn sexy. PRODUCERS! Want to bring in more advertising dollars? Implement cameras on the tables next season and then let Frontiers readers know about it.

Fuck Trigg, more Jimmy Smith! Wa-cow! Wildcat!

The post tattoo drama got funky/funny with everybody picking at Mrs. Priss’ but crack tattoo. Daniel is actually starting to feel a bit bad for him. But he deserves it so fuck him.

Uh oh…Banjo Kazooey started off the judging session by saying that everybody blew chunks…just like he started off last week’s judging session. Hey Banjo, shake shit up and say something nice sometime. That will really put everybody off guard.

Anyway, invisible black bro’s (Rich) tattoo, was pretty damn funny. I mean, who DOESN’T want a google eyed Asian woman on their body. LOL

Rich's lack-luster attempt.

Uncle Fester with a face caught a little flack from the hot daddy guest judge. Still, it was a darn nice dragon.

At least Daniel likes it.

Lesbro might be getting the losers edit. Uh. Oh. Why did they have that snippet with her crying earlier? This isn’t looking good. L

Team Handsome (Joey) did a pretty gnarly mask on dude’s neck. Guest judge dug it.

Jersey Jimmy got in trouble for his demon tattoo. Bad design, bro.

That's no demon, it's Raijin, Thor's butt-ugly Japanese cousin.

Mr. who the fuck? (E S?) drew a tiger and they didn’t like it at all. Daniel thought it was pretty.

Andre 3000’s birdz were funky. Uh oh.

Joshua’s butt mask was actually pretty goddamn horrible.

Banjo gets expressive about Joshua's crack-tat

GOD

I repeat; Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time.
Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Wait... did Joshua just say "butt", "crack", and "rectum" all in the same sentence?

Ta2 BB’s lion was REALLY fuckin’ funny looking. Rawr Grrrr! Gurl! Pull that shit together.

So let’s all go to Taco Bell and see what the human tacos are deliberating about. They’re saying that they don’t like Josh’s ass-crack tattoo.

Wait... did Trigg just say "slap" and "ass" in the same sentence?

The beefarito judges giggled over Ta2 BB’s “stuffed animal” lion. Giggle.

So Banjo Kazooey comes in and says, “We want to see all of you this week.” Oh good Lord.

NO WINNER this week. Is that supposed to be exciting? Come on Spike. We don’t all want to slit our wrists after watching your show. Put your judges on psych meds for Christ’s sake. They’re all trying to out grump each other.

"In lieu of a winner this week, we are grinding you all up and serving you to Asmodeus...
smothered in cheese and wrapped in a delicious Doritos® shell."

Oh dear. So who is getting the hatchet? Mr. Invisible (Rich)! That’s too bad because he was nice but it was time to go. It’s also too bad because he was sexy as all get out.

Made Sad.

And as for next week’s sneak peak: “You’re designing for a very picky canvas. Me.” – Auntie Navarro. *eye roll*

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave