Kids, Say No To Crack - Season 3 Episode 6

Human canvas heat index:

FLASH CHALLENGE: Meh…too many titties/vaginas to get us excited.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Crank that shit up to 11! Holy fuck. The producers heard our whining and tossed us a major bone or two or three this week and now we’re both sitting here on the couch holding throw pillows to our laps.

Spiking the heat index... Jimmy Smith! Frank Trigg would look better if Jimmy wasn't also in this shot.

Quick note before we begin: Daniel sat down to watch this week’s episode and ran across Antique Roadshow. It’s a goddamn miracle that he made it to watch and blog about Ink Master because quite honestly there’s nothing on the face of this planet better than Antique Roadshow…yes, not even sex.
Dave on the other hand could care less, and missed Ink Master because he was visiting stoners in San Francisco who would rather watch Adventure Time.

So Daniel was laid up sick as a dog after trolling for STD’s over the weekend and Dave took a trip up north to get his tattoo worked on outside of Oakland. Hence our reason for getting this shit up a bit late. We’re busy gals…so shoot us.

So anyway, back to the show. Now that Brozzley’s gone that’s one fewer that we actually liked left on the show. Will be fun to see how Andre 3000 bounces back after angering the godz who judge this shit.

Josh went on about customer service and “revealed” that he is from a long line of used car salesmen. Good on him, we guess?

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So this week’s flash challenge put our contestants up against horse cock. Wait, is that right?

So... Louis Vuitton is now making designer tee-shirts for Satanists?

Um…so what was up with Auntie Navarro’s, “Today your canvas is the human body.” Dear line producers, please lay off the Special K or please do more cocaine or something please please please. That was the most creative thing you could come up with? You could literally roll a cup of Yahtzee letters and come up with something more interesting than that shit. Is anyone even trying? Am I upset over nothing? The answers to those two questions are no and then yes.

"Sulfur and brine, bitch and whine, porcupine be thine."

The challenge is to transform their canvas into a wild animal using body paint. Jersey Jimmy gets the “bonus” of assigning the animals to the contestants, so of course he’s gunning for Joshua. Therefore Joshua gets the porcupine.

Jersey Jimmy picks the owl for himself.

It’s funny because the contestants are fucking freezing in their jackets and beanies. Then we’ve got the models who are having to stand there basically naked. Must blow to be a model sometimes. Getting’ paid to stand there doin’ nothin’ but freeze your ass off. We’d take some money for that but we’d complain about it the whole time too, don’t think we wouldn’t.

Freezin', and sketchin', and shivrin', and drawin', and freezin', an...

Josh is bumming on his porcupine which isn’t wanting to cooperate. Shame on you Mr. Porcupine! Someone must have let slip that Mrs. Priss is the most hated contestant this season. Maybe the producers fed it some catnip or something? I’ve never considered a porcupine on crack before this episode and now it’s something I can’t get off my mind.

Trigg may have cauliflower ears, but this kitty gots some melons for shells.

It seemed like some people literally took this flash challenge to mean, “Transform your model into this particular animal,” while others took it to mean, “Draw a face on your model’s stomach,” the latter of which seems like cheating to us. We’ll go back and review the instructions, but didn’t Auntie Navarro say, “Transform dat ass into somethin’ zoological an’ shit.” We’re pretty sure that’s the way it went down. Regardless, of course they loved Ta2 BB’s picture of Garfield on some girls stomach. We think it was Garfield. Daniel said Garfield and we’re too lazy to fact check. It’s been a long week.

Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time. Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Team Handsome did a horrible tiger on his girls belly. Jiminy did an owl on a stomach. OMG Joshua’s porcupine looks like fucking hell. Lesbro just drew a snake draped around her model. It also looked like fuckin’ hell but at least she got to stare at boobies for the duration of the challenge. Andre 3000 did a pretty gnarly vulture and he worked that transformation angle. All in all…this really blew. Uncle Fester with a face seemed bummed but his wasn’t the worst so there’s that.

For a second I was thinking this was a Face-Off episode...

The judges hated Joshua’s porcupine and loved Jersey Jimmy’s stomach owl, but Kyle’s lizard seemed to stoke the judges out the most. Oh…and of course Ta2 BB and her cat with tits for ears. But Kyle (eyeball neck) won! Yay! He’s so fuckin’ sexy…we’re both in agreement over that shit. <3 U Kyle! Don’t fuck it up.

Now…on to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

Daniel wants to be “judged” by Banjo Kazooey.

I'm sure I've seen this guy hovering near the dark corner behind the pinball machine,
slipping GHB into peoples drinks.

Whoa! Guest judge. Hello. You’re fuckin’ sexy dude. Troy Denning takes the judging panel into mad-daddy territory. Daniel would tap that and Dave most likely would too. (I might, but would slut-shame myself afterwards---Dave)

So the challenge is Asian tattoos. Everybody’s disapproving father, Chris Nuñez, is sneering at everybody because he’s some Asian master.

Hey...! Didn't the guy with the glasses get kicked off on the first episode?

FUCKIN’ FRANK TRIGG!

FUCKIN’ JIMMY SMITH! Oh God so fucking hot both of these fuckers. These dudes pushed our Human Canvas Heat Index to 11 by themselves. Excuse Daniel while he goes and fucks his hand really hard.

Kyle did exactly what I would have done and gave himself Jimmy Smith. Most likely for different reasons.

Mrs. Priss is all upset. He’s like, “Oh whyyyyy are people noticing I’m a cunt and then treating me thusly?”

Bro wants a tramp stamp. LOL Don’t do it bro. Don’t do it. He did it.

Jesus H. wore True Religion.

Mrs. Priss should be happy because his canvas is built like Jesus H. himself. Seriously…thank you casting. Dave will suck each of you off whenever you decide to ask for some oral. Male or female…he’ll do his best.

Auntie Navarro’s Christian Death shirt is cute. What a cutie!

Jersey Jimmy’s canvas is bumming out, throwing a wrench into his carefully laid plans of somehow destroying Mrs. Priss’ life. He’s going to figure out a way to blame it on Mrs. Priss. Trust us. He will.

Sudden emotional outbursts usually are a bad omen concerning the longevity of the contestant...

Uh oh…Lesbro. Please don’t say anything that starts with, “My whole life…” That’s always the beginning of lame-o territory in reality television. “My whole life people have made fun of the lump on my back.” “My whole life I’ve been teased for having one leg 8 inches shorter than the other.” When somebody starts with the “My whole life” sentences it means they’re trying to come up with excuses. ALL OF US have things that have blown for us our whole lives. Don’t go there, contestants. Don’t do it.

It’s too bad there’s not a live feed for this show the way they’re doing with that Big Brother nonsense because we could stare at Frank Trigg for several hours while he was getting worked over on a massage table. How goddamn sexy. PRODUCERS! Want to bring in more advertising dollars? Implement cameras on the tables next season and then let Frontiers readers know about it.

Fuck Trigg, more Jimmy Smith! Wa-cow! Wildcat!

The post tattoo drama got funky/funny with everybody picking at Mrs. Priss’ but crack tattoo. Daniel is actually starting to feel a bit bad for him. But he deserves it so fuck him.

Uh oh…Banjo Kazooey started off the judging session by saying that everybody blew chunks…just like he started off last week’s judging session. Hey Banjo, shake shit up and say something nice sometime. That will really put everybody off guard.

Anyway, invisible black bro’s (Rich) tattoo, was pretty damn funny. I mean, who DOESN’T want a google eyed Asian woman on their body. LOL

Rich's lack-luster attempt.

Uncle Fester with a face caught a little flack from the hot daddy guest judge. Still, it was a darn nice dragon.

At least Daniel likes it.

Lesbro might be getting the losers edit. Uh. Oh. Why did they have that snippet with her crying earlier? This isn’t looking good. L

Team Handsome (Joey) did a pretty gnarly mask on dude’s neck. Guest judge dug it.

Jersey Jimmy got in trouble for his demon tattoo. Bad design, bro. 

That's no demon, it's Raijin, Thor's butt-ugly Japanese cousin.

Mr. who the fuck? (E S?) drew a tiger and they didn’t like it at all. Daniel thought it was pretty.

Andre 3000’s birdz were funky. Uh oh.

Joshua’s butt mask was actually pretty goddamn horrible.

Banjo gets expressive about Joshua's crack-tat

OH

MY

GOD

I repeat; Hard to believe Josh doesn't just try to suck balls half of the time.
 Doesn't seem like a good strategy, however.

Wait... did Joshua just say "butt", "crack", and "rectum" all in the same sentence?

Ta2 BB’s lion was REALLY fuckin’ funny looking. Rawr Grrrr! Gurl! Pull that shit together.

So let’s all go to Taco Bell and see what the human tacos are deliberating about. They’re saying that they don’t like Josh’s ass-crack tattoo.

Wait... did Trigg just say "slap" and "ass" in the same sentence?

The beefarito judges giggled over Ta2 BB’s “stuffed animal” lion. Giggle.  

So Banjo Kazooey comes in and says, “We want to see all of you this week.” Oh good Lord.

NO WINNER this week. Is that supposed to be exciting? Come on Spike. We don’t all want to slit our wrists after watching your show. Put your judges on psych meds for Christ’s sake. They’re all trying to out grump each other.

"In lieu of a winner this week, we are grinding you all up and serving you to Asmodeus...
smothered in cheese and wrapped in a delicious Doritos® shell."

Oh dear. So who is getting the hatchet? Mr. Invisible (Rich)! That’s too bad because he was nice but it was time to go. It’s also too bad because he was sexy as all get out.

Made Sad.

And as for next week’s sneak peak: “You’re designing for a very picky canvas. Me.” – Auntie Navarro. *eye roll*

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Eric's well-dressed tattoo, should have won.

Yay: More than a zebra, this looks like a voodoo ghost!

Yay: Nice body paint on a nice body.

Nay: Andre 3000's big grey on gray tattay.

Yay: Ta 2 BB's stuffed lion. Girl's got heart, but lacks the smarts.

GAY: Lame-ass grumpy judges.

This Is What It Sounds Like...When Bros Cry - Season 3 Episode 5

Human canvas heat index:

BATCH 1 (FLASH CHALLENGE) Both of us say 1.3. Freezing but the nature of the challenge didn’t lend itself to “pretty” or “sexy” very well.

BATCH 2 (ELEMINATION CHALLENGE) Dave says 3, Daniel says 7

Welcome back boyz and girlz! Let’s get right to the goddamn drama because the show sure did…as it always does. This week’s episode started off with the “winners” (those contestants who weren’t kicked off) coming back to the room post judging session and – cue that Price is Right trombone when somebody fucks something up – everybody is bummed that Mrs. Priss (James) “won”. Literally…everybody. That must be a weird feeling to be like, “Yay I won and OMG every single person’s face I can see is filled to the brim with disgust.” We can only guess as to what that feels like because we’ve never won anything in our lives…well Daniel hasn’t anyway, except for that time he won a free small French fry or apple pie (choose one) during that ever-recurring McDonalds Monopoly game deal.

What's up with that twitter handle? Is Brozzley a bottom?

Let’s start by saying that we’re both sad Brozzley Bear went home. What a sweetheart; but more on that later. What we need to say now is that Dave IMMEDIATELY called that Brozzley Bear was getting the looser’s edit. Why? Because they started the episode out giving him face time and a glimpse of personality, both new developments in the short story arc that was Brozzley Bear. Although we don’t watch a ton of television, we DO watch a few competitive reality shows regularly and the editing tricks are so common they’re basically vernacular at this point.

They (production team and Auntie Navarro) jumped right in to the action this episode with two wacko challenges, neither of which had any sort of tie-in that we can remember at this time…although we’ve got a serious hankerin’ for some Taco Bell.

Oh my Josh!

FLASH CHALLENGE!

Scars. Covering up scars. Daniel really dug this challenge because he’s got a bunch of scars on his shoulders and back that he wants to eventually get covered up with some artwork. Dave was fairly skeeved out over this challenge because he’s the visual thinker of the bunch and when he sees somebody with a scar that runs down their entire torso he says he can’t help but picture what they must have looked like splayed open on the operating table. Daniel’s brain shuts off before it goes there because he’s a non-imaginative, squeamish, fussy sissy.

You might see France but I see a rusty draw-bridge.

Anyway, on to the Flash Challenge. Since Mrs. Priss won last episode’s Elimination Challenge (which for some reason is sounding more and more like a race to take the largest dump) he got to choose which scar he wanted to work on. He chose one that didn’t even show up on camera…a tiny speck of a scar on some chicks shoulder. Honestly I’m calling phony. This girl just wanted to be on TV so, when interviewed, was just like, “Well, I’m scarred…on the inside, y’all.”

"Scars are just little kisses from the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young."

Something about the production of this episode was bugging the shit out of us. One good example of this was the way they “revealed” the scars. Whomever worked on the sound design for this episode really went a bit bonkers with this metal guitar lick that they kept inserting every time there was a blemish of the particularly gnarly variety. It got a bit ridiculous:

            Alice bumped her knee on a rock once *silence*

            Joe had a bed collapse on his ass *GHUUUNK-GHUN-GHUN-GHUUUNKKK*

            Susan got a boo boo playing tennis *crickets*

            Harold took a hammer and gouged his eyeball out with it *GHUUUNK-GHU-

GHU-GHUUUUUNKKKK*

Sally pricked her little toe with a needle when she was two *………………..*

It got to be rather obnoxious. I don’t want to fault the post production folks for trying something “new”, but it was annoying and scars really AREN’T Rock ‘n’ Roll. Scars CAN be sexy, but stabbing yourself in the nuts with a letter opener is actually the opposite of rockin’.

Wait, this scar is Rock 'n' Roll! Check out that crack pipe! 

Just kidding. It was really an asthma inhaler. 

 Another interesting note we noticed: Mrs. Priss got to choose which canvas he wanted to work on but the rest was random…the canvases just picked a skull and hoped for the best. The reason, however, was obvious: it would have been pretty shitty if everybody was like, “OH NO I DON’T WANT THAT UGLY DUDE WITH THE FUCKED UP STOMACH THING GOING ON YUCK GROSS EWWW!” Surprising display of humanity, production crew; we’re quite impressed. *clap* *clap* (probably more to do with it being just the flash challenge and not the elimination challenge---Dave)

Today’s word/concept/technique/skill is…um…oh yeah: Value. Dave wasn’t confused by this, of course. Daniel was both confused and oblivious but no surprise there.

A very pretty tattoo over a non-existent scar.

The scar tattoos came out pretty good. Mrs. Priss actually did a damn good job on his non-scarred client. Andre 3000 did a pit bull thing that got praise from everybody including the judges but neither of us could tell what the hell was so great about it. We’re chalking it up to the fact that his canvas had dark skin and it was just hard to really sort out on camera.

Brozzley Bear squealed with delight about not getting raked over the coals. We guess that when you come under the disappointed gaze of Everybody’s Disapproving Father, Chris Nuñez, not getting scolded is a prize in and of itself.

So the chick that all the judges want to fuck won the Flash Challenge. That’s right. Ta2 BB. Dave likes her. Daniel doesn’t…but can’t figure out why because she’s sweet. He’s most likely jealous that Everybody’s Disapproving Father, Chris Nuñez, wants to place his penis inside of Ta2 BB and he spend a lot of time each episode wishing he had the kind of equipment Daddy Nuñez would be interested in smashing. Tough luck Daniel!

Anyway, enough about the scar challenge. Banjo Kazooey is getting impatient! Let’s get on to the…

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

C'mon, look at the camera! That's it, baby!

Hot guest judge alert!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome Chuey Quintanar to the sewing circle. Yowza.

Again, with the challenge being based on the technique of “Value”, the bros are tasked with creating a tattoo using ONLY black ink. So they can go from dark to light and use the skin as the “white” in the artwork.

Dave explained it to Daniel thusly: a tattoo artist will take black ink and add water to it in varying degrees to make it less dense, therefore allowing the artist to make a lighter black in the skin. By varying this mixture of water and black ink an artist can go from super-dark to super-light and every shade in between without ever having to use any white ink. Once an artist mixes white ink in with their black, they’re actually creating a third color: grey. This is probably very basic color theory but Daniel acted like one of those cute deaf kids who hear sound for the first time and make faces and clap their hands and squeal.

Production notes: spend more on hot canvasses, less on sound design. 

The tatt bros also had to create a Mexican day of the dead themed tattoo.

"I want you to tat me up with your skull, BB, while I figure out how to dispose of the rest of you..."

Um…so what was up with that Stevedore bro begging to have Ta2 BB’s face on his body for the rest of his life. Ta2 BB better be on the lookout for this bro for basically all of eternity because his eyes had a “serial killer in love” look to them that was creepy. Daniel would still tap that, though (just for the record).

Here’s a rhetorical question for you, dear reader: does anybody think that all of these models who are bitching with the tattoo artist are ACTUALLY being cunts or is this just manipulation on the part of the production company? The thing is, neither of us remembers so many bitchy, fussy, cunty clients putting their feet down in episodes past. Do they vet these people at all? Isn’t there some thing they sign that’s like, “You’re skin belongs to us and you get no say in it whatsoever.” I mean, what’s up with dude being like, “Oh no you ain’t goan’ put no Messican dead bro tatt on mah body.” That’s the challenge. Why would they allow something like this to happen? Why is an artist put at a disadvantage with a shitty canvas who isn’t playing by the rules? We’re both calling phony. Drummed up. Tacked on. Hacked in. Clued out. Turned down. You get the idea. The girl that got fuckable fireplug James Danger kicked off the show just seemed to take it a bit far…who knows. That shit was TOO HOT 4 TV.

"Do you mind if your free 6 hour tattoo actually has something to do with the fucking challenge?"

That above rant was obviously about the dude with two beaded goatees who was getting all pissy about Kyle’s (the bro with the eye on his neck) tattoo idea. If you’re not being prodded by production to behave like an asshole then you’re actually an asshole. Is it us? Maybe.

OHGOD…so at the critique Banjo Kazooey kind of flipped out and said, “YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK”

And yeah…a lot of these tattoos really blew chunks.

Andre 3000 really messed up on this one. He’s lucky to still be here because he actually didn’t follow the instructions for the challenge, and everybody was giggling because he actually created a mess of a piece. We’re surprised…and so were several of the contestants on the show. Lesbro was giddy at what a horrible job ‘Dre did.

Andre 3000's weird weird weird one. I'm glad he got called out on not following the stipulations. 

So, so disapproving.  Nunez read in 4...3...2...1...

(sound of Andre getting spanked 3000 times)

Brozzley’s model was a big hot hunk of bro. His tattoo was a big hot hunk of horrible messy turd. Poor dude. He was sweet as hell. We were practically weeping ourselves when he broke down and ran out of the room to cry in the closet. Jersey Jimmy was also uncharacteristically sweet when he chased after him.

This scene made me want to cry as well ---Dave

Anyway, so Brozzley broke down and then got kicked off. When he said, “I’m really sad,” it made us really sad. Seeing big hairy dudes cry kind of gives Daniel a boner too so….

On a serious note, though, boo hoo hoo…Brozzley Bear! You went to soon. We just gave you your cute name, too. *dab at eyes with tissues*

Tune in next week for someone doing something to some end in front of some other somebodies. Is “somebodies” a word?

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Once again, Daniel forgot to mention the winner. Lil' Greaser Bro won with this.

Which brought us this; Ta2 BB getting burned for being nice. 

She pretty much handed Lil'GB the win. Don't worry, BB. You have good Juju.

Yay: Lesbro's tattoo. This deserved the win, it's gorgeous.

Yay: Kyle's "Arabian Luchadore". It's too bad about the background, and the dick-head double dildo "client". It's a beauty and coulda been a contender. Note to contestants: when you have a Mexican guest-judge, research your Aztec shit!

Yay: Kyle's flash challenge tattoo. Finally got to do a real phoenix 

and make up for that cruddy nu-skool one from episode 3. 

Nay: Ta2 BB's selfie. All kinds of creepy. Mostly beautifully rendered, though.

Nay: Well-dressed Bro's tattoo. The girl is nice, but the eyes (and face paint around the eyes) 
are all kinds of wonked-out.

GAY! I couldn't bring myself to call out any of the artists this week after the spanking and reaming they all got from the judges, and all of the tears after Brozzly was tossed into the bear pit. So instead, we will dub this animated gif of Auntie Navaro casting some Bruja magic at your pious selves.