Twice as sweet as sugar. Twice as bitter as salt. - Season 3 Episode 4

Grab your seats and get ready for a heaping big fist full of HAM.

Human canvas heat index: Dave says 1, Daniel says 3.5. 

Step it up, casting…we need hotter canvases like yesterday. Don’t make me put in a call to Big Bertha from Cell Block B. She’ll fuck you up AND HOW!

As the dust settled from all of last week's episode’s drama, we be left with…more drama, basically. This is reality TV after all. Boring contestants get kicked to the curb quick unless they’re incredibly talented, like Andre 3000. And he's got the dramatic hair so at least he’s bringing the drama in that department.

Our opening drama centers around Joshua da Play’a being a jackass. His name from this time forward is Mrs. Priss. He’s this season’s villain…and both of us should have seen that he was getting the winner’s edit from a mile away at the beginning of the episode, but we were gorging on pizza and ice cream (cheat night, y’all!) so we clearly weren’t thinking clearly...clearly!

  

After the immediate drama of the opening shots, the show segues into YET ANOTHER TIE IN. This episode has been brought to you by a special “clip” (they didn’t even get to see the actual movie) from the upcoming Bourne-bro film, Elysium.

Tie ins on reality TV feel so ham-fisted, tacked on and awkward these days (we’re looking at you Yoplait challenge on Project Runway this season) that it really just feels like no one is even fucking trying. Everybody drop their dignity and grab for the cash! God knows I would.

Somewhat less ham-fisted product placement. Ham-fingered. 

FLASH CHALLENGE!

So there were two parts to this weeks flash challenge. Firstly, in some sort of possible tie in to the movie commercial we were presented with between commercial breaks (who doesn’t love MORE commercials?), the tatt bros are told that they’re going to have to do a bar code. Everybody is immediately bummed. Dave said that bar codes are the worst. Very precise, everything has to line up on the tops and bottoms…just goddamn tattoo hell.

My 4th machine was/is a Seth Ciferri---Dave

The second facet to this challenge is that all the kiddies are given unassembled tattoo machines (Daniel learned that a real tatt bro would never call it a “gun”) and told to put them together.  Some dude named Seth Ciferri (Dave recognized him immediately and said he owns one of his machines) was basically there to wag his finger at everybody who didn’t know how to put their machine together properly. And that takes us right to the ladies. It seemed like all of them fucked this up completely. Ta2 BB was biting off her hoochie nails in an attempt to be able to even reach her machine parts with her fingers on the table, but she kind-of just failed miserably. Janice from the Muppets blew it. Lesbro told the viewers that she can’t put things together, which seemed totally humiliating for her. Don’t be sad Lesbro…we’re with you and you’re still one of Daniel’s favorite (although Andre 3000 has, for reasons obvious, kind-of moved into position 1 rather quickly).

"The one thing I'm a girly-girl about"... if being girly means you can't put a machine together, then you're def more manly than Janice or Ta2 BB!

There were some cool bar codes and some shitty ones that looked like a plastic hair comb that was left on an oven burner while hot. Not too good. As a quick aside, Daniel remembers at one point, maybe 20 years ago, thinking that a bar code tatt would be cool, and for any of you readers who have one this isn’t meant to be a knock against you, but since Dave hates doing them so much we’ll both just say that they blow. The good news is that you can always have it turned into something that resembles a checkerboard for mice! How KEUT!

We loved these shots almost as much as the editors did. 

Anyway, in the end I don’t think Ta2 BB even had anything…not one line on her human canvas. The girl was just sitting there with her stencil placed and looking sad. Poor Ta2 BB! Seth Ciferri said, “The weakness has been exposed.” Should we start calling Ta2 BB “The Weakness”? Doesn’t seem nice. And she’s nice, so we won’t go there gurlfriend.

*2 snaps*

Jason's bar-code looked cleaner to me than Andre's...

Andre 3000 wins it bitches….er…um…motherfuckers! A-hem.

Craig, Andre’s real, live name, is fucking awesome and so obviously in the lead this season.

Oh and one more thing…poor Brozzly Bear…he was crying when talking about basically making a complete turd out of the flash challenge in front of one of his heroes, that Seth dude. Poor Brozzley. Daniel would put your penis in his mouth for a minute if it would help dry your eyes.

Brozzly's wobblies

On to the...

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!

This week’s word or phrase that makes everybody scream, otherwise known as the theme of the challenge: Celtic tattoos with a focus on line work.

But before all the bros got to their challenge, they all sat around telling the girls how stupid they are. Janice from the Muppets was WAY over it.

Jersey Jimmy is starting to wear on our last T-cell. Although we don’t disagree with him taking a mad disliking of Joshua (I’m pretty sure at this point that’s short beard-bro’s name).

So Andre 3000 had the advantage of assigning the tatts to the tatt bros. He tried to throw Mrs. Priss under the bus and, LIKE ALWAYS, that move basically guaranteed Mrs. Priss the win. Seriously, people...just throw the skulls up in the air and let gravity choose who is doing which tattoo.

Ar.... and not a looker in the bunch.

Did anyone else notice for the first time this week that the “Human Canvas Judging Session” is brought to us by Taco Bell? I’m waiting for the day that every contestant on this show, or any other for that matter, has their own presenting sponsor: “Brozzley Bear bro is brought to you by Nasonex!” and he’s wearing a little jersey with the Nasonex bee logo on it and every time he’s on the screen there’d be a little Mexican bee on the bottom left of the screen.

Celtic animals fucking suck. 

Dave taught Daniel a little bit about Celtic tattoos during the viewing of this episode but Daniel forgot most of it (again, the ice cream was fuckin’ with us); all he could remember was that you have to have House of Pain playing while drawing and inking them and they glow on Hogmanay. That sums it up I think. Everything else is peripheral and unimportant. Oh there’s something about potatoes in there too but that goes without saying we guess.

Janice has a blowout. A blowout is when the tattoo basically gets fucked up by the tattoo artist and it looks like sloppy hell. We’ve never seen a Muppet look so worried! Ohs nos! Dave said it’s the first one he’s seen on the show. Blowout, that is. Not Muppet.

While they judges are doin’ their thang everybody starts picking at Mrs. Priss, aka Joshua, and it actually felt pretty icky.

Critiques were as un-fun, scary and upsetting as they always are. Disapproving Father shook his head and frowned a lot. Banjo Kazooey chewed on his toothpick and looked hot (to Daniel anyway). Auntie Navarro communed with Satan the WHOLE time, basically ignored everybody and just sat there smoldering.

"Phnglui mglw nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah nagl fhtagn" - Auntie Navarro

Lesbro’s tattoo looked like olives flying around a giant matzo ball. Janice’s big blowout looked like hell. Ta2 BB did a pretty darn good job but her gears looked more like puzzle pieces. Still, she redeemed herself from doing absolutely NOTHING on the flash challenge.

Who is the dude with the backwards hat? Has he been on this show all along? Where did he come from? Did they sneak him in this episode because he’s kind-of hot? His bevel-esque tattoo was pretty killer but the heads on his chickens looked flat. Whoever you are, good job.

All three judges are definitely going to be sucking Andre 3000’s cock immediately after the taping of this episode.

Another beauty from Craig but technically it's not a celtic critter.

Ssssooooooo…..Mrs. Priss, Joshua, won. He won on his technical-ass outline tattoo. He did a pretty good job, but in the middle of being given a compliment decided to throw Jersey Jimmy under the bus for absolutely no reason. You blow Mrs. Priss but if you're scheming against J.J. you're doing it right...because he's kind-of freaking out. OMG!

Janice's meh tattoo. 

"It needs to be more flamey!"

The human canvases, who always come off like a bunch of idiots (and Daniel knows he, too, would (does) look like a total jackass were he on camera ever for any reason, ever), decided that Muppet Janice’s tattoo was the blow-blow-blowiest of all.

"I could make scuses, like these here scuses, but I wouldn't do that. But if I did, it would sound something like this:"

Mrs. Priss, Muppet Lady, Uncle Fester with a face, and Handsome Bro were called up for a spanking/praising from Satan’s pinch hitters. Mrs. Priss won and Janice from the Muppets was sent home.

"I hope Dr. Tooth will take me back."

It was funny how Mrs. Priss tried to give her a hug on her way out and she was all, “Oh fuck off you weirdo!”, slapping his hand away. "Don' you EVUH fuck wit' a Muppet" she seemed to say.

Oh no he/she didn't

Out of a little respect, I’ll call her by her real name at least once. Alley. Her name was Alley and she was actually pretty cool but she blew it.

Panty* takes it like a brah.
*panty = female bro/brah

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave

Yay: Joshua's tattoo, very purty.

Yay: I would have given Eric the win. Not as technical as Joshua's, but far more "Celtic".

Nay: The problem I had with a lot of these were that they were animals, and they were knotty, but they weren't celtic aninals...

Nay: ...and a lot of the others (even Joshua's) looked like bad flash designs.

GAY!: Then there's this, which has an animal and some knot work (yet isn't a Celtic Dragon) and looks like a flash design in an old biker shop. ALSO, it looks like a cover-up. Not good. 

Coming up next week: Dave's biggest sexual buzz-kill: major disfiguring  scars! BLLEEEEEACH!