ink bastards: You're in my house now!

BLAOW! Ladies and gentlemen, your most TRUSTED source for all things Ink Master is back. We’re the place to find all of the FACTS about this fascinating show. So let’s get blogging!

Season 7 starts off again with the drummer from Stone Temple Pilots, Dave McRay, as the host. Just like in all prior seasons, the winner gets $1,000,000 and 7 lifetime’s worth of careers as a tattoo artist, plus some oral from their choice of a man or woman. Yeah boyeeee!

……………………………….um

Alright, so maybe we’re not the source for all things factual in regards to this show, but if you want to read a bunch of bullshit written by a couple of bros who think this show is the bee’s knees, you’re in the right place.

This season has all the regulars. Emo bros. Bald ladies. Neck tat bros. Pissy white bros. Nice black bros. Lesbo bros. And Tatu Baby…so…it’s got something for everybody.

New Kids on the Block... get it? Block? ... Prison...?

The first challenge…what’s it called…the flash challenge? It was some prison thing and it was silly. Bros flexing on each other. I loved the dude going, “You’re in my house now, yo! Wipe yo feet, yo!” What an idiot. Nice house though. I (Daniel) have a close friend in prison and needless to say that place is full of people who know everything about everything but somehow can't figure out how to pay the bills and keep a job like the rest of us. I'd go insane in there...which is why I behave like a dandy gentleman.

yard ambiance

So back to the flash challenge. I guess they had to do single needle tattoos on this one, which Dave says is really difficult. Daniel has no idea what the fuck that means.

Bald girl has a southern accent. Oh joy. Please get kicked off immediately.

Before the first challenge is even up two artists have described themselves thusly: “I’m a _____________with a _________twist.” One was the bald chick, so now there are two people I want to see go.

(PLEASE NOTE: WE’RE NOT GOING TO TRIP TOO MUCH ON NAMES YET SINCE IT’S THE FIRST EPISODE. MIGHT NOT GET TOO SPECIFIC FOR THE NEXT FEW EPISODES,
NAHMEAN?)

disclaimer- we have no idea if lesbro is, in fact, a lesbro

Lesbo bro seems cool as hell. Daniel has already put her on his favorite list in spite of the fact that she wouldn't go down on him and vice versa.

Umbrella ghost! If you haven’t watched the movie "The Great Yokai War" check it out as soon as you can. You'll see lots of them li'l umbrella bastards plus a wall ghost and another ghost with a beak.

So…who won the phony prisoner challenge? The sharp dresser. His name is Joey Hamilton. His name is Joey Hamilton. His name is Joey Hamilton.

After the flash challenge the tat kidz check out their new digs, squeal over they Jager dispenser, and then talk a lot about how this is “real” and “happening” and “supercalafragelisticexpialadocious”.

OH FUCK ME…the contestants say…this season’s twist: a human canvas jury. Dave thinks this is a great idea because in the end a tattoo artist has to make his/her client happy. Daniel, who is the furthest thing from an artist on the face of the planet, thought this was funky because clients suck. We’ll side with Dave on this one since he’s actually a real life, honest-to-goodness tattoo artist.

So did you guys know that a dragon tatt is the “kiss of death”? I’ll ask Dave what he thinks about this. I’d say the Millennium Falcon tatt is the kiss of death. This crowd certainly seems to choke on dragons---Dave

Cover-ups is sooper hard!

The main challenge this episode is a cover up tattoo………on the same bros………who got the single needle prison tattoos…….so they’re not actually in prison……..any more……but they were………or some shit. This challenge has more twists than the first 10 minutes of this episode, and that’s fucking saying something.

We in your house now!

Daniel thought the client with the glasses is pure boner material, for what it’s worth. I counted at least 6 of them had glasses, but I think I know which one Daniel would tap---Dave

Dave's early front-runner for mos likely to tap.

The Tattoo Tribunal. The Tatbunal.

So Auntie Navarro is, of course, back this season in full swangin’ force. We hear on the internetz that he’s 4’2”. Does anyone know if this is true?

Chris Nunez is still hot and grumpy as fuck.

Banjo Kazooey, the owner of True Tattoo, is still hot…to Daniel. The toothpick gag just never gets old.

"I have a dream, a dream to be this season's wet fart."

Short beard bro was hot at the beginning of the episode…but nearing the end he’s tired, boring, stupid, and on the level with whatshisname blowhard from episode 1.

Daniel digs the muscle eagle thing tattoo. It’s pretty cool. His hair, though! Honey, bust out that flat iron.

"I'm ca-ray-zee!"

Boy oh boy…the judges are starting the seasons off in full-on cut a bitch mode. Did they edit all the nice stuff out? Tatu Baby gave the judges the finger. Emo boy did a blue tiger or something with one machine. What does that mean? Daniel doesn’t get it. Emo boy is freaking out. LOL.

"I'm just here cuz no one appreciates my genius."

It would be funny if the judges spanked the second-to-bottom every episode. I wish that happened.

"GOD! IT HURTS! IT HUUURTZZZ!"

So…the dumb prisoners decided that the baboon was one of the worst. If there were prisoners every episode I might not make it through the whole season. Prisoners suck. There…I said it.

"I vill put a schpel on yu!"

So glasses bro, Tatu Baby, bald girl and emo boy are on the chopping block/winners circle. Who won it? Tatu Baby. Of fucking course. They all want to bone her, so she’s a shoo-in. (She deserved the win---Dave) The prisoners hated the bald girl’s tattoo. Her accent comes and goes. It makes me want to commit suicide.

That'll teach you to diss the Pit Bull.

Emo boy gets mouthy on the chopping block. Glasses bro goes home. No way it should have been him over bald girl. Period.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave