ink bastards: It's All About the Emo, Baby

“Sixteen artists are battling it out to determine who’s number oneUHHHHHHHHHHHGGGH!!" That shit is funny. Didn’t they have a girl squealing in the opening of season 2 also?

I DON’T EVER LEAVE MY HOUSE WITHOUT EIGHT MACHINES MINIMUM! – Banjo Kazooey

"You don't start a whoopie party without at least 5 whoopie machines!"

So last episode glasses bro went home for his chimp hit, leaving 14 losers and Tatu Baby, the person everyone on the judging panel wants to bone, including Auntie Navarro.

Emo bro is freaking out still…he’s a mess. I can’t wait to see him cry some more.

Remember kids---head trauma is serious business.

CARS! Oh joy. So this is the flash challenge: precision! (overused metal scrape noise sound effect) And we’ve got a football player to judge us on precision. Because football = precision. Somehow. This dude is completely unintelligible. And he’s got a customized grill on his face. And the challenge is to create a customized grill. Are you following? Nobody wants to be with Emo Boy. Ironed hair got Emo Boy (Mystical Mike is his name…god help us) on his team.

Makes me wish I had a v8.

Tatu Baby said, “I am the wicker link on this team.”

The only one to wrap around the headlamps... and suffers for it.

Emo boy is completely, certifiably insane. Didn’t take much to figure that out though, so I’m not feeling special for making that assertion or anything.

And the winner is...

Johnny Danger, sharp dressed man and chill lesbo bro won the flash challenge, upsetting a room full of people who think they’re amazing. Lesbo bro is still Daniel's favorite of the bunch.

Oh…so…James Danger? Very timely name in light of the whole Carlos Danger scandal. Will this work for him…or against him…or will basically nobody give a fuck? Probably the last option. He’s sexy though so at least he’s got that going for him.

This guest judge seems like he might actually not be firing on all cylinders. “It would be shiney.” “I like the flames.” “I like the skull head.” Oh well…he’s making millions more a year than I am, so I can probably laugh all day long as far as he cares.

Meh.

Short-beard bro is insufferable…and this is only episode two. His lack of self-esteem is so apparent and I have to wonder why, with reality shows having been on for fucking ever, people still think that they get respect by immediately trying to fight with everybody on the show. Does that EVER work out? If any of you know a contestant on any show that this tactic has worked out for in the history of television please contact us and let us know.

This one is the classiest, IMO---Dave

The shell-shocked judge is back for the elimination challenge, which I guess is OK because he’s actually kind-of hot. The drama is starting to ramp up…have the feeling there’s going to be a lot of squealing, pointing and crying this season. So the challenge? An “anatomical” tattoo. Everyone seems bummed. They gave the pit tattoo, an arm pit that nobody wanted to be involved with for various reasons, some obvious and some not so obvious, to short-beard bro and he seems upset. Yay. Please go home.

"And now a word from our sponsor, the Dark Lord..."

Human canvas heat index this episode: 3.5 Not too hot. Bummer. Although, Daniel would totally tap that big old dude with the biker ‘stache. Dave would definitely tap one of those smaller bros…maybe the heat index is like a 4.25.

Dave would like a wife-beater with a side of red-beard.

Whoa…just saw big older dudes fingers…and never mind. Not tappin’ that.

D'ems some trucked knuckles.

And what a fucking surprise…armpit girl is like, “OWOWOWOWWWOW!” No shit dummy. Every artist winced when you said you wanted your armpit done.

"ah cahnt take it, AH CAHNT!"

Spike TV really have two shows that end with “Master”? Ink master? Fight master? Hmmm. Creativity is a lost art.

Wait... don't they recognize my genius?

So emo bro completely loses it, stringing together sentences with words that don't actually go together in any way that makes sense. Then he tells lesbo bro that she has penis envy. You blew it bro. Also, apparently he threw his one friend in the house, blonde shrill chick, under the bus during judging and she kind-of loses it on him...and rightly so. Everybody hates you, emo bro. What's his name again? Frank Fantastic? Mister Mesmerizing? It's something stupid.

oh shit. they don't.

Commencing ego-bursting read session in 4..3..2..1..

I'm being spanked red by Nunez.

Mystical Mike not so mystical now...(sad trombone)

And.........they send him (Sylvester Slickster?) home. Daniel could see what he was trying to do, and honestly thinks there were worse tattoos on display, but EVERYONE hates this dude. Dave was surprised that they didn't keep him on for good T.V. viewing's sake, and he's got a point. But Daniel feels like they hated this idiot so much they stopped caring about ratings and got him the fuck out of there.

"The Dark Lord has revoked your license to mystic, henceforth you are merely abstruse."

Emo bro! Take notice. You're so goddamn stupid and annoying that cable stations stop caring about ratings in order to get rid of you. That's unreal. Room's full of suits agree that you ruin everything you touch. Get a life.

that's 2 for 2 crying at the critique for miss cry-cry.

Still...bald chick is a horrifying mess and already it's quite easy to see that she is already long in the tooth for this show. She'll be leaving soon. Or not...but Daniel hopes so. Tired of looking at her face.

Yay, Nay, or GAY. Rating the best and worst. ---Dave